Sharing is sometimes too much

She taught me that pain could strike deeper than a superficial wound. It cuts straight into you with a katana…slices your heart open like we disassemble turkeys to give thanks…thanks that we aren’t turkeys even if we gobble gobble life up up up and dream higher than clouds but eventually as we float up released by a child our balloon is hit by arrows…not by cupid but from a stupid thought that somehow I connected to your heart and your being

I was the thoughts in your head when it hit the pillow on your bed and every tear that leaked out was a thought of me not being there…this is what I pretend
This is what my world looked like through my eyes however the lids were closed and I was blind to the rain from your eyes it was thoughts of a man, a cruel being that came to you and in you and on you and he slept, as you wept and he didn’t feel a thing, but those moments when yes yes yes you were his but that was all it seemed to mean

A physical touch and a longing for a heart that he could not find with his dick or fingertips or the passion of a kiss…he betrayed you and didn’t even have the courtesy to pretend he did not. That man was selfish and took everything he could in your pictures, from your body, from the child that laughed in your eyes and his power grew like a blood crazed piranha whipping in a frenzy from the physical lust that he used to betray your soul…he’s not the guy you saw yourself with…this person this “man” is a child that never learned to love and did not get enough hugs …a selfish coward that hides in touch as a way to escape opening up…but what if he did?

Did you want to see him take a knife and commit Seppuku and spill out his insides on the floor…watch the bugs crawl out of his filth. The withered remains of his past, like snakes crawling up into you and infecting you, possessing you, smothering and constricting your very last breath. It was the death of his family and the decay of abuse that riddled his brains turning them from flying kites into fucking for nights and turning the teddy bears into human fuck sticks that grind and moan while no one is home. Those twisted yesterdays of choking it down because the hands around his throat were never his own, but the hands of love of paternal care and every breath that could not pass was a tear he never cried.

When his head hit the bed and a pillow that caressed it in a way that you could not because the comfort you gave was not between your legs or on the tips of your nipples...it came from your smile that melted away the sorrows for another day, from the look in your eyes that meant everything was okay.

It was the love he never knew that cut him open like a katana with a thanks and a turkey …you gobbled him up up up and never turned around to realize he was not just some heartless man that used your legs for handles and your sweetness as a target for a jackhammer. He loved you and his tears are not from the past…they came when you walked away. The pain is still inside, it was the one thing you left behind.

Great

Today through my own stupidity I found my ex on Yelp...and found out her ex from Phx moved here too...my guess being no longer an ex from Phx. Slowly my paradise away from my evil fucking past is being ruined by people moving here that I was trying to escape. I am almost ready to say fuck all of this and running away to another place and telling no one. I do not want the past to keep appearing. Especially the parts that broke my heart and stomped all over it repeatedly.

Yep

I feel foul lately...like somehow...this is not what I wanted. A crossroads lies ahead...what next? What next?

still

still going on with the nightly purging...no bad side effects yet. Went down a notch on my belt. Soon I get my kettlebell for working out. I need more exercise than just the weekend hiking. I need to end this life I am leading and be healthy and lean again...maybe then someone will date me.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.5.8

Wah

So what is up? These baby ass whiners working for me lately makes me want to find a new job. Wah I worked hard for the last 2 years...Fuck you I have worked hard to get this company here for the last 7 you little bitches! I started at minimum fucking wage...$5.75 an hour back then. I did your job for 2 years before I moved to manager. Just because I am a manager does not make my life simple you little cry baby immature little boys and girls....I work my ass off. Trying to make sure all that product you make gets sold so we all do not have to starve and work at jobs we hate. I am constantly talking with companies and coming up with plans for money to come in while you fucks whine about what you do and don't get from the company. Fuck it took me four years to make what you fuckers are making in two there. Assholes! I am writing a new resume...if I don't quit hating you pricks before March of next year I will look for a new job. Assholes!

Black

Such a good song from Pearl Jam...I still ache when I listen to it.
So my three day weekend...thus far Saturday was sleep until you cannot sleep any longer day. I was awake 3 hours, went back to bed and just now got up again. I think if I were not invited to a friends b-day party I would be back in bed. I'm still bitter to attend though as to every "friend" at this party never even said Happy Birthday to me on Wednesday...I suppose I should be happy they consider me at all. I have a collective of maybe 4 people that hang out with me now. Work people seem to fucking hate me now...guess that is what happens when you are the boss. So 7 years of friendships seem lost...fucking great. I hate money. I am slowly growing rotten to the ideal of being at my job and opt for easier times when I worked less and bitched about money while in the presence of many friends often.

Funny

It's great to know every one of your friends whom you have known for years forgets your birthday without a social network reminding them it's your fucking birthday. Real fucking classy guys. Even with the "reminder" I may have to forget too. Because really what the fuck is that about? Assholes.