every day

I wonder if life will just seem shitty...I wonder if leaving this job will make me any happier. I ponder on singing but who would listen? Would I freeze up and lose my voice? Will I give up and lose my everything...even my breath? I contemplate suicide occasionally. I learned years ago how to fashion slipknots very well. I know what ropes will support certain weights and how sturdy a beam should be to hang a human from it because I helped hang hook suspensions. I cross bridges and wonder if I jump will anyone stop me? See me? Even know? Because I walk through endless seas of people and smile and nod to passers by and I am invisible. I talk to girls at the bar and say things that are not inappropriate...I don't use pick up lines...and they treat me like I am an asshole that just shoved his hand up their skirt. I think sometimes I wished I liked men...gay men hit on me alot...but I tried to kiss a man once and I didn't like feeling his hard on against me. I just don't like any dick besides my own...mens bodies are not as beautiful...we don't smell as good...I just cannot do it. But I can tell if a man is pretty or not...you know?
I know I am very unhappy...I love the weather in Portland...I love the environment and the atmosphere. I love the food and the trees and foliage. I miss the women I knew in Phoenix...I miss having a network of hundreds that I could see anytime and everyone knew me. I was not invisible...I was not unwanted. I feel so very alone now...and I sometimes ache for days...sometimes I go numb...sometimes I am angry. Today I realize I have started to develop an eating disorder that I forced myself to develop...I guess it was bound to happen. I really hate myself right now and because of that I deserve everything I get. Change or die trying.