May 9th 2011

First day of Sobriety...we shall see how this continues.

somewhere along the way

somewhere along the way she forgot me. I was her rock...but with time the elements of life wore me down and she didn't notice that I turned into a grain of sand. Placed amongst a million grains...left forgotten on a beach. I am broken and alone...she moved on so long ago. Now I hear wonderful stories of her. How she met an oil rig engineer and its going beautifully. Her friend brought someone with her on our last date...apparently because to her it was "friend" time. I am never a love interest any more...only the friend. Of course she has her old roommates stories of me to deter her...and hearing the "oh you and she used to fuck" breaks me in two. No I used to attach my soul to her and meld my body with hers...it wasn't pornography...but now that is what it has been reduced to. A carnal act of meaningless penetration. Great...that was what my heart was worth. So here I am...with insomnia...crying over the past. She meant so much...I meant nothing...story of my life.

Cursed

Goddamnit....I apparently was wrong...not a date...she invited her ex-husband to go out with us...fuck. I officially have the worst luck with women EVER! I really hate my life...so to pay for this more puking, more exercise fuckwad. I deserve all of this pain until I make myself worth a woman damn it.

They are watching you...

I have holed myself up for the last 3 days, only going out for occasional groceries. I am having some serious anxiety issues and a touch of paranoia...gee thanks Mom. I only say that because my mother is a Paranoid Schizophrenic and has been since I was 11 at the very least. So unfortunately I have had some issues with paranoia throughout my life. Whether it was passed down or because of her daily delusional rantings I do not know. However I do find myself giving me reminders that everything is fine and there is nothing wrong...I am the one being weird. Yay fun...on top of always having some form of clinical depression and now having an eating disorder...well life is grand. So I throw it all here in this anonymous little closet, hiding my skeletons until the day I finally decide upon therapy. Fuck...fuck...fuck.

30 days of songs continued...the finale

day 24 - a song that you want to play at your funeral
Amazing Grace - On Bagpipes...it just seems to fit...it has moved me since I was a child and moves me now.


day 25 - a song that makes you laugh
White and Nerdy from Weird Al works :)


day 26 - a song that you can play on an instrument
I don't play anyone's songs on any instruments.

day 27 - a song that you wish you could play
Daishi Dance feat. Yoshida Brothers Renovation 吉田兄弟 (Full Version)
(I would love to learn to play the Shamisen


day 28 - a song that makes you feel guilty
No such song exists

day 29 - a song from your childhood
The Muppets/Kermit and Fozzie Bear - Moving Right Along


day 30 - your favorite song at this time last year
Hank Williams III - Broke, Lovesick & Driftin'

30 days of songs continued

day 08 - a song that you know all the words to
Honestly I used to know the words to so many songs and as of late there are very few. I think I need to start working on memory games.
Anyway I thought of one off hand...Kitty Wells - Making Believe



day 09 - a song that you can dance to
Well I do not dance normally but I do find myself wanting to dance when I hear Oingo Boingo - Dead Mans Party


day 10 - a song that makes you fall asleep
Well I would not say it makes me fall asleep but I can say it relaxes me to the point where sleep is more possible...Enigma - Mea Culpa




day 11 - a song from your favorite band
I have so many favorites in different genres...but at the moment here is the first that popped in my head: Amon Amarth - Cry of the Black Birds




day 12 - a song from a band you hate
Anything from ICP



day 13 - a song that is a guilty pleasure
Lady Gaga - Poker Face...yeah...no idea why but I like her...so guilty indeed.




day 14 - a song that no one would expect you to love
Sarah McLachlan - Angel




day 15 - a song that describes you
Lynyrd Skynyrd - Simple Man




day 16 - a song that you used to love but now hate
Bloodhound Gang - The Bad Touch...unfortunately a co-worker over played Bloodhound Gang and just ruined it for me.



day 17 - a song that you hear often on the radio
Ke$ha - Blow



day 18 - a song that you wish you heard on the radio
Sage Francis - Sea Lion



day 19 - a song from your favorite album
Dead Can Dance - American Dreaming from the Album Toward the Within




day 20 - a song that you listen to when you’re angry
Dimmu Borgir - The Sacrilegious Scorn



day 21 - a song that you listen to when you’re happy
MC Chris - Fett's Vette



day 22 - a song that you listen to when you’re sad
Death Cab for Cutie - "Someday You Will Be Loved"



day 23 - a song that you want to play at your wedding
Ryan Adams - covering Oasis's song "Wonderwall"



day 24 - a song that you want to play at your funeral
day 25 - a song that makes you laugh
day 26 - a song that you can play on an instrument
day 27 - a song that you wish you could play
day 28 - a song that makes you feel guilty
day 29 - a song from your childhood
day 30 - your favorite song at this time last year

30 days of songs

On Facebook all of my friends are posting 30 days of songs and corresponding videos. I was going to do it as well but I hate filling up my friends pages with inane shit all of the time. I feel like instead of sharing who we are, sometimes we share what we wish we were. Social networking has become so strange.

I stray from topic right here *- Last night I was sitting in the bar to have a drink with 3 coworkers. We all were on our cell phones talking to other people while we were talking to each other. *I am not this important* I am not so special that I should not be paying attention to my other friends and then after having drinks contacting my other friends. But somehow this rude behavior is just normal for people now...so weird. -* Now back to 30 songs

So I decided I am going to post my 30 days of songs here because I still participated but not with everyone. Instead a stranger gets a look into who I am right now as expressed by interest in music.

day 01 - your favorite song
Is a tie between two songs so I am posting them both.
First: The Host of Seraphim by Dead Can Dance. Picking one song from Dead Can Dance that I love most is unusually difficult however this one has moved me since the first time I heard it in my late teens.


the other song I have chosen as a favorite is: Song to the Siren as performed by This Mortal Coil...it moves me.




Day 02 - your least favorite song

Least favorite...hrmm does that mean a favorite still but with less importance? Honestly I know this means a song I may dislike however that is what it should say instead of least favorite. I have never understood using that "term" for something I do not like.
Anyway...

Least favorite/disliked song: Tiny Tim - Tiptoe Through The Tulips
This song and Tiny Tim always made me want to rip my ears from my very head...just drives me bonkers.




day 03 - a song that makes you happy
This one definitely for this point in my life: Atmosphere - The Best Day



day 04 - a song that makes you sad

Oh lord this one was the easiest to pinpoint ever
Known as the Hungarian Suicide Song "Gloomy Sunday" it tugs at my heart strings and makes me sad for real.




day 05 - a song that reminds you of someone
Okay...this is a bit open because many songs remind me of many people...so I will have to assume that this means someone close to my heart. In which case I would think of my sister Rebecca who died when I was about 10...the song is from Debbie Boone - You Light Up My Life...it was the song played at her funeral




day 06 - a song that reminds you of somewhere
Well since I am from Arizona...The Eagles - Take It Easy....this song has always made me think about Arizona even when I was there.




day 07 - a song that reminds you of a certain event
Royal Scottish Bagpipes - The Black Bear ...reminds me of the Highland games



and I will fill in more later.