Sunday, November 29, 2009
I feel off...
I feel weird. Like I am running a fever but I am not hot. Every time I stand to walk I get dizzy and feel like I am seconds from passing out. I hope I feel better tomorrow. In case it is a fever it is time for aspirin and a semi-cold shower.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Yesterday
Does not matter...today is a new day and I am happy my life seems to be heading in the direction I wished to push it toward.
With that...I know I have shared this before but I LIKE it....Mike McGee "Like"
With that...I know I have shared this before but I LIKE it....Mike McGee "Like"
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Hmm
The next girl I date...I hope she has nice legs because I want her to wear a pair of these
and just this to bed with me
I believe I would ravage her and I'm not that big of a sports fan but I have always had a thing for a beautiful woman in just a hockey jersey ...but damn those ribbed thigh highs are hot too...that is all
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Plans
It seems I had so many good intentions and plans...but when I arrived they all blew out the window. I need to restart and quit holding on to the person I was.
Friday, November 6, 2009
helpless and small
Today my mother called from Phoenix. She has some neighbors that have been nothing but problems for her for months now. It has been bickering and name calling and police being called. Today on her way up to her own front door she was attacked by the step mom from next door without provocation. My mother who is 66 years old was grabbed from behind by the hair and punched...however she is tough and used to have to fight my horrible father off her. She took this woman by the hair and swung her to the ground and punched her in the face. At this time the womans step son attacked my mother from behind grabbing her by the hair to let his step mother loose. My mother apparently screamed to him to let her go...he did not. My mom punched him in the balls...he let go. She was able to get inside and stop the attack then. However now she has to have papers served on them.
My dilemma...is that I could not be near. I could not protect her. I am so torn up inside right now I am literally crying from my anger. That boy best watch his ass. I will be in Phoenix next month and if he even looks at me funny he's going to be broken and shattered into little pieces. I am a nice and loving man...but don't you ever hurt someone I love. Because inside of me is an over protective demon that wants blood if you do.
But right now...I feel miniscule...I feel tiny and helpless. I realize how large the world is and how little I can do for the woman that gave me life, that sacrificed hers to raise 2 children alone, that loved me and cared for me when no one else would. She is in pain and alone and I can do nothing to help her or avenge the wrong done to her.
It is tearing me apart.
My dilemma...is that I could not be near. I could not protect her. I am so torn up inside right now I am literally crying from my anger. That boy best watch his ass. I will be in Phoenix next month and if he even looks at me funny he's going to be broken and shattered into little pieces. I am a nice and loving man...but don't you ever hurt someone I love. Because inside of me is an over protective demon that wants blood if you do.
But right now...I feel miniscule...I feel tiny and helpless. I realize how large the world is and how little I can do for the woman that gave me life, that sacrificed hers to raise 2 children alone, that loved me and cared for me when no one else would. She is in pain and alone and I can do nothing to help her or avenge the wrong done to her.
It is tearing me apart.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Lo, Der ser jeg min...
Lo, Der ser jeg min Far.
Lo, der ser jeg min mor, mine søstre, mine brødre.
Lo, der ser jeg linjen av mitt folk tilbake til begynnelsen.
Lo, de gjør kall til meg.
De byr meg ta min plass i Åsgard ved Halls of Valhalla.
Hvor ånder av True kan leve evig.
Lo, her ser jeg min sønn.
Lo, her ser jeg min datter, sine døtre og sønner.
Lo, her ser jeg linjen av mitt folk frem til tåke i morgen.
Lo, de gjør kall til meg.
De byr meg ta mitt sted i Midgard i hjertet av vårt folk.
Hvor minnene og brennevin av familien vil leve evig.
Lo, der ser jeg min mor, mine søstre, mine brødre.
Lo, der ser jeg linjen av mitt folk tilbake til begynnelsen.
Lo, de gjør kall til meg.
De byr meg ta min plass i Åsgard ved Halls of Valhalla.
Hvor ånder av True kan leve evig.
Lo, her ser jeg min sønn.
Lo, her ser jeg min datter, sine døtre og sønner.
Lo, her ser jeg linjen av mitt folk frem til tåke i morgen.
Lo, de gjør kall til meg.
De byr meg ta mitt sted i Midgard i hjertet av vårt folk.
Hvor minnene og brennevin av familien vil leve evig.
Pointless...yet still I walk on...waiting for the Big Payoff
Today feels like the beginning of weeks of frustration and stress.
Imagine if you will writing a paper in school that decides your final grade for your class. In fact this one class will be the deciding factor if you are to graduate. Now you have studied hard and you have completed research. You begin writing your paper which is due in less than three weeks and think you should have no problems. You start typing the paper and your computer fails. It's dead and will not start up whatsoever.
Not a problem...do it the old fashioned way and use a pen and paper then when you get to school you will just type it into the computer there. Turns out you cannot find any supplies now...no paper, no pens...nothing. You try going to the store all the supplies are out. You decide to go to the computer lab at school however...it is closed for the next 4 weeks for rennovations. You have no money and no way to fix your computer and suddenly time is slipping away...this is my work life right now.
I have very little time to produce close to $500,000 worth of product. My machines are breaking, my suppliers have nothing for me to make my product with and my employees are falling apart from the stress. I keep trying to stay strong and try to keep fixing the problem but somehow I feel like I am standing on the Titanic playing cello as the water is lapping over the sides and she is awkwardly bending her neck to look up at the stars.
Even worse...if we lose this deal we may lose all future deals with this corporation. If we lose this deal...I will most likely never get my large fat raise. Thanksgiving will be ruined and so will Christmas.I know it's all so short term but it expands and messes up other plans.
Such as you might ask?
Such as moving into my own apartment in Downtown Portland or maybe North East Portland...like buying myself furniture and some new clothes. Like living with less cares than I do now but doing the same work load. I want something out of 7 years of constantly doing extra and busting my ass. I want something to build on finally now that I am 37. I believe in living humble and not beyond your means. I believe in being simple and never too flashy or upscale. I love living a simple life and enjoying simple things. I want to settle in and meet someone and fall in love. I want romance and joy and nights where I am not always alone. I know that money does not mean these things come to you...but it helps. It helps so much when you arent worried about your next meal or if you have enough cash for bus fare and food today. It helps when you want to go out and do things because if you have no money you cannot go to social events and meet people.
I just want something worthwhile instead of being a wage slave all the time. I want the big pay off.
Imagine if you will writing a paper in school that decides your final grade for your class. In fact this one class will be the deciding factor if you are to graduate. Now you have studied hard and you have completed research. You begin writing your paper which is due in less than three weeks and think you should have no problems. You start typing the paper and your computer fails. It's dead and will not start up whatsoever.
Not a problem...do it the old fashioned way and use a pen and paper then when you get to school you will just type it into the computer there. Turns out you cannot find any supplies now...no paper, no pens...nothing. You try going to the store all the supplies are out. You decide to go to the computer lab at school however...it is closed for the next 4 weeks for rennovations. You have no money and no way to fix your computer and suddenly time is slipping away...this is my work life right now.
I have very little time to produce close to $500,000 worth of product. My machines are breaking, my suppliers have nothing for me to make my product with and my employees are falling apart from the stress. I keep trying to stay strong and try to keep fixing the problem but somehow I feel like I am standing on the Titanic playing cello as the water is lapping over the sides and she is awkwardly bending her neck to look up at the stars.
Even worse...if we lose this deal we may lose all future deals with this corporation. If we lose this deal...I will most likely never get my large fat raise. Thanksgiving will be ruined and so will Christmas.I know it's all so short term but it expands and messes up other plans.
Such as you might ask?
Such as moving into my own apartment in Downtown Portland or maybe North East Portland...like buying myself furniture and some new clothes. Like living with less cares than I do now but doing the same work load. I want something out of 7 years of constantly doing extra and busting my ass. I want something to build on finally now that I am 37. I believe in living humble and not beyond your means. I believe in being simple and never too flashy or upscale. I love living a simple life and enjoying simple things. I want to settle in and meet someone and fall in love. I want romance and joy and nights where I am not always alone. I know that money does not mean these things come to you...but it helps. It helps so much when you arent worried about your next meal or if you have enough cash for bus fare and food today. It helps when you want to go out and do things because if you have no money you cannot go to social events and meet people.
I just want something worthwhile instead of being a wage slave all the time. I want the big pay off.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Filler
I moved to another state in the hopes that I could make a significant change in my life. I have yet to do that. In fact it seems like I am still up to the same old patterns I had in Phoenix. Instead of it being too hot now it is because I live on a huge hill that I don't go out and do things. Some days I try to work late so I don't get a ride home and I walk around town and check out new stuff...but I am doing it alone. It feels weird. I don't know why but somehow I feel like maybe what one of my exes said is true. She told me that people are generally scared of me and I look like a serial killer. Those few words before I left Phoenix left a horrible self image in my mind. When I walk around alone I am wondering if maybe that is how people see me? On many occasions I have noticed when I walk down the street people just move out of my way in a hurried effort. When I was at a recent show a guy accidentally stepped on my foot and when he looked at me he grabbed his girlfriend by the hand and guided her quickly away from me through the crowd. I even had told him it was cool, accidents happen. I feel like I'm scary...and I really don't like it most of the time because that means everyone sees me that way until they get to know me...but therein lays the problem...who would want to get to know me?
I have a feeling this is going to be harder than I thought. I just left 30 years of friendships behind me to build a new life and thus far it seems to be leading to a life of solitude. Which sucks because I miss affection...I miss snuggling and caresses...I miss fucking. It's odd the things I took for granted when I was a younger man and I was hot, thin and wanted. Now that I am 37, big and apparently less attractive than when I was practically skeletal boy. Then again tomorrow always has the hope of better things and the promise of change. I will try not to let it all crush me. It's a difficult journey sometimes, but then the best stories have difficult plot lines. I just hope I am the hero of the story and not just some boring extra thrown in for filler.
I have a feeling this is going to be harder than I thought. I just left 30 years of friendships behind me to build a new life and thus far it seems to be leading to a life of solitude. Which sucks because I miss affection...I miss snuggling and caresses...I miss fucking. It's odd the things I took for granted when I was a younger man and I was hot, thin and wanted. Now that I am 37, big and apparently less attractive than when I was practically skeletal boy. Then again tomorrow always has the hope of better things and the promise of change. I will try not to let it all crush me. It's a difficult journey sometimes, but then the best stories have difficult plot lines. I just hope I am the hero of the story and not just some boring extra thrown in for filler.
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