Filler

I moved to another state in the hopes that I could make a significant change in my life. I have yet to do that. In fact it seems like I am still up to the same old patterns I had in Phoenix. Instead of it being too hot now it is because I live on a huge hill that I don't go out and do things. Some days I try to work late so I don't get a ride home and I walk around town and check out new stuff...but I am doing it alone. It feels weird. I don't know why but somehow I feel like maybe what one of my exes said is true. She told me that people are generally scared of me and I look like a serial killer. Those few words before I left Phoenix left a horrible self image in my mind. When I walk around alone I am wondering if maybe that is how people see me? On many occasions I have noticed when I walk down the street people just move out of my way in a hurried effort. When I was at a recent show a guy accidentally stepped on my foot and when he looked at me he grabbed his girlfriend by the hand and guided her quickly away from me through the crowd. I even had told him it was cool, accidents happen. I feel like I'm scary...and I really don't like it most of the time because that means everyone sees me that way until they get to know me...but therein lays the problem...who would want to get to know me?

I have a feeling this is going to be harder than I thought. I just left 30 years of friendships behind me to build a new life and thus far it seems to be leading to a life of solitude. Which sucks because I miss affection...I miss snuggling and caresses...I miss fucking. It's odd the things I took for granted when I was a younger man and I was hot, thin and wanted. Now that I am 37, big and apparently less attractive than when I was practically skeletal boy. Then again tomorrow always has the hope of better things and the promise of change. I will try not to let it all crush me. It's a difficult journey sometimes, but then the best stories have difficult plot lines. I just hope I am the hero of the story and not just some boring extra thrown in for filler.