Anger is unbecoming

Damn...how often can I lie to myself and say I am over someone when I am not. I know I need to concentrate my alone time on exercise and art. It is the only way to fill the void she left. I must create and I must rebuild. It is the only distractions that work.

I am thinking of delving in music again. I have been inspired by all the metal I have listened to lately. I miss being on stage and roaring like a Viking over the hordes awaiting slaughter. I miss being the demon above the writhing souls. I was never just a performer...I was something more than that. When the lights turned off and the music began I could feel power flowing through my veins like I have never known. I want that back...perhaps I can make this happen. It's a strange time to do it being so close to 40...but then when will I do it if not now? It was the most peaceful I have ever been. All my anger was unleashed in the music. I want that back.

Always a let down

You...I left you in Phoenix. I thought somehow my heart ache would end there since you were pretty much living like a married couple with Nate. But it did not end there did it? Do you enjoy hurting me? Did you have to move to Oregon to hurt me more? Apparently you just could not let me live in happiness could you? So you came here and now you don't hang out with me. But I was good enough to use for a place to crash until you got your new job and relocated? Obviously you used me...because I have not seen you once since you have been here. You have not called or even wrote a simple hello. Fuck a little consideration would be nice but you cannot even pay me that.
You come to Portland and basically made me feel bad about what I own and how I live. Now you live here and you cannot even be my friend? Fuck you...seriously fuck you for making me feel so bad about myself. Fuck you for ruining my new life in a place where I knew no one. Fuck you for hurting me and letting this continue for over 8 years now. I wanted my freedom and now I know you could be looming around the corner and I will run into you and feel my fucking heart break into a thousand pieces over and over again.
I hope the roses I sent bother your allergies or maybe one pricked you and you get an infection from it.
I wanted to be free...I wanted the safety of over a thousand miles. Now it has been robbed from me.

I may have to find a new job somewhere over seas and never tell you I left. That might be my only solution.

Saving = no fun for me

I need to save for the new loft apartment downtown...but damn I am bored and having crazy bouts of insomnia. No fun...that and the thoughts of women in my head. Oh I miss a warm body so very much. But it must be a warm pretty body...I will never sell out my standards.

Pissed off at a crappy web company

What really is upsetting is when companies make defamatory comments about a business because of their own business practices. If you are running a web based business why would you offer items that you do not already have in stock? This seems like a great way to upset customers if you cannot get the items from the supplier in a timely manner. What seems best is what most successful web stores do, offer products that are in stock. Then you are not working with a credit based system or the "I promise that I will have something eventually that may or may not exist but I will take your money and use it in the mean time" system. But apparently it is much easier for a company to place blame on another if they fail to meet unexpected needs. I am surprised at times that any company would continue supplying another company when they do make defamatory statements.