Blowing off some steam while listening to Jazz and Blues

Buddha Bar - Huff and Herb : Feeling Good

That's what I hear in the background right now...great music. But my mind is clouded with the disruptions of the day. Recently I had to fire a co-worker/employee who has been with our company for nearly 8 years. Mind you she should have been let go from the company about 4 years ago. She has been consistent at being a poor worker and doing everything in her power to screw up. She was given chance after chance and believe me, I know. I was in charge of writing her up and reprimanding her for years now. So this person was on her final write up and as things go she messed up. She almost lost us our major account....I had no choice but to finally let her go. I felt bad at first...8 years and at Christmas in a failing/miserable economy. However the reality of this situation hit me long ago and yet again today. She has always taken advantage of the good nature of all of those around her. Existing within the structure because we just could not let her go because of loyalty. Yet still time and again she failed to listen to us, to comply to rules or standards. Never adhering to schedules or deadlines. She basically took advantage of people because she knew we cared and did not want to hurt her. I must admit...I did this to myself and her as well. However last year...it ended. I opened my eyes to the reality that she was using me, she was taking advantage of all of us and costing our company valuable resources. I was fed up with it. She was ripping me off outside of work too. I would find myself buying things from her that would cost considerably less from a stranger and as a friend she would charge me more. Not cool. My friendship ended with this person quite some time ago...today she threw friendship in my face. She said Wow it's so easy for you to write off a friendship, thanks a lot! I answered "Our friendship has been over for quite some time and I am surprised you did not notice until now."

So here is how I see it...if it was me...if I had been doing nothing, if I had been screwing our company out of time and money...if I was unpunished over and over again...where would we be? Well, we wouldn't be. Because the things I do directly affect the company. If I did not do my job...there would be no money coming in. There would be no customers. However if I was not working, people would notice fast and I...would be fired. So Ms. Low Key under the radar employee...we all finally noticed because you stepped in a big $100,000 pile of poo. You could not wipe that away so easily...not once but 5 times.

However...here is the biggest problem...she believes this...IS ALL OUR FAULT! WHAT!?!?!?
She has this theory she was set up and we had a big plan to terminate her. Nope...it just worked out that way and really...it was bound to happen.
So here's an idea....look in the mirror because the person who hurt you most was you. Sometimes the assailant and the victim are one in the same.

Accountability...I wish we all knew what this meant. Merriam-Webster defines it well as: : the quality or state of being accountable; especially : an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one's actions.

"To give real service you must add something which cannot be bought or measured with money, and that is sincerity and integrity."

-  Donald A. Adams

Last post and right now

So I ended up running a fever and being sick for a couple of days...over it.

Right now I am feeling a bit of heartache over someone I should have stopped feeling heartache for quite some time ago...but there are those moments of intense craving that tear away at me like a junkie wanting more heroin. I miss her body...close to me...under me...around me...I miss the heat of her...her moans...I miss her being on top of me...she was the perfect lover and I need one of those in my life. I miss the feeling of a woman. Quite possibly, I may never have a lover like her again...and that is why I crave one so very much...I need a fix...I need proof. Oh to taste the sweet essence of passion again...the sweetest moments of ecstasy and wanton carnality.

and underneath it all...I miss the friendship...the closeness...the purity of two people who have done so many unpure things with one another or others even. I miss the moments of silence just being near one another...I even miss rubbing her feet and I am not a foot man...but she looked so happy in those moments. I remember that being the thing...the thing that I lose many hearts over...I want them to be happy with or without me...and obviously boo hoo poor me...it's usually without me...otherwise I would not be here alone reminiscing. It is of no bother though...because somehow...I really am happy she is not alone...that she smiles and fills another with the joy she has me. A woman like this cannot be held forever...she must be free, she is not to be tamed but wild like wind. She is not to be contained but instead unleashed as flames upon a forest engulfed by her ferocity and unbridled soul. A muse...she is a muse...and I will love her until my last breath...and lament often until that day, wishing over and over to have her once more.

I feel off...

I feel weird. Like I am running a fever but I am not hot. Every time I stand to walk I get dizzy and feel like I am seconds from passing out. I hope I feel better tomorrow. In case it is a fever it is time for aspirin and a semi-cold shower.

Yesterday

Does not matter...today is a new day and I am happy my life seems to be heading in the direction I wished to push it toward.
With that...I know I have shared this before but I LIKE it....Mike McGee "Like"

Beautiful thoughts

Hmm

The next girl I date...I hope she has nice legs because I want her to wear a pair of these

and just this to bed with me

I believe I would ravage her and I'm not that big of a sports fan but I have always had a thing for a beautiful woman in just a hockey jersey ...but damn those ribbed thigh highs are hot too...that is all

Plans

It seems I had so many good intentions and plans...but when I arrived they all blew out the window. I need to restart and quit holding on to the person I was.

helpless and small

Today my mother called from Phoenix. She has some neighbors that have been nothing but problems for her for months now. It has been bickering and name calling and police being called. Today on her way up to her own front door she was attacked by the step mom from next door without provocation. My mother who is 66 years old was grabbed from behind by the hair and punched...however she is tough and used to have to fight my horrible father off her. She took this woman by the hair and swung her to the ground and punched her in the face. At this time the womans step son attacked my mother from behind grabbing her by the hair to let his step mother loose. My mother apparently screamed to him to let her go...he did not. My mom punched him in the balls...he let go. She was able to get inside and stop the attack then. However now she has to have papers served on them.

My dilemma...is that I could not be near. I could not protect her. I am so torn up inside right now I am literally crying from my anger. That boy best watch his ass. I will be in Phoenix next month and if he even looks at me funny he's going to be broken and shattered into little pieces. I am a nice and loving man...but don't you ever hurt someone I love. Because inside of me is an over protective demon that wants blood if you do.

But right now...I feel miniscule...I feel tiny and helpless. I realize how large the world is and how little I can do for the woman that gave me life, that sacrificed hers to raise 2 children alone, that loved me and cared for me when no one else would. She is in pain and alone and I can do nothing to help her or avenge the wrong done to her.

It is tearing me apart.

Lo, Der ser jeg min...

Lo, Der ser jeg min Far.
Lo, der ser jeg min mor, mine søstre, mine brødre.
Lo, der ser jeg linjen av mitt folk tilbake til begynnelsen.
Lo, de gjør kall til meg.
De byr meg ta min plass i Åsgard ved Halls of Valhalla.
Hvor ånder av True kan leve evig.

Lo, her ser jeg min sønn.
Lo, her ser jeg min datter, sine døtre og sønner.
Lo, her ser jeg linjen av mitt folk frem til tåke i morgen.
Lo, de gjør kall til meg.
De byr meg ta mitt sted i Midgard i hjertet av vårt folk.
Hvor minnene og brennevin av familien vil leve evig.

Pointless...yet still I walk on...waiting for the Big Payoff

    Today feels like the beginning of weeks of frustration and stress.
    Imagine if you will writing a paper in school that decides your final grade for your class. In fact this one class will be the deciding factor if you are to graduate. Now you have studied hard and you have completed research. You begin writing your paper which is due in less than three weeks and think you should have no problems. You start typing the paper and your computer fails. It's dead and will not start up whatsoever.
    Not a problem...do it the old fashioned way and use a pen and paper then when you get to school you will just type it into the computer there. Turns out you cannot find any supplies now...no paper, no pens...nothing. You try going to the store all the supplies are out. You decide to go to the computer lab at school however...it is closed for the next 4 weeks for rennovations. You have no money and no way to fix your computer and suddenly time is slipping away...this is my work life right now.
    I have very little time to produce close to $500,000 worth of product. My machines are breaking, my suppliers have nothing for me to make my product with and my employees are falling apart from the stress. I keep trying to stay strong and try to keep fixing the problem but somehow I feel like I am standing on the Titanic playing cello as the water is lapping over the sides and she is awkwardly bending her neck to look up at the stars.
     Even worse...if we lose this deal we may lose all future deals with this corporation. If we lose this deal...I will most likely never get my large fat raise. Thanksgiving will be ruined and so will Christmas.I know it's all so short term but it expands and messes up other plans.
    Such as you might ask?
Such as moving into my own apartment in Downtown Portland or maybe North East Portland...like buying myself furniture and some new clothes. Like living with less cares than I do now but doing the same work load. I want something out of 7 years of constantly doing extra and busting my ass. I want something to build on finally now that I am 37. I believe in living humble and not beyond your means. I believe in being simple and never too flashy or upscale. I love living a simple life and enjoying simple things. I want to settle in and meet someone and fall in love. I want romance and joy and nights where I am not always alone. I know that money does not mean these things come to you...but it helps. It helps so much when you arent worried about your next meal or if you have enough cash for bus fare and food today. It helps when you want to go out and do things because if you have no money you cannot go to social events and meet people.
    I just want something worthwhile instead of being a wage slave all the time. I want the big pay off.

Filler

I moved to another state in the hopes that I could make a significant change in my life. I have yet to do that. In fact it seems like I am still up to the same old patterns I had in Phoenix. Instead of it being too hot now it is because I live on a huge hill that I don't go out and do things. Some days I try to work late so I don't get a ride home and I walk around town and check out new stuff...but I am doing it alone. It feels weird. I don't know why but somehow I feel like maybe what one of my exes said is true. She told me that people are generally scared of me and I look like a serial killer. Those few words before I left Phoenix left a horrible self image in my mind. When I walk around alone I am wondering if maybe that is how people see me? On many occasions I have noticed when I walk down the street people just move out of my way in a hurried effort. When I was at a recent show a guy accidentally stepped on my foot and when he looked at me he grabbed his girlfriend by the hand and guided her quickly away from me through the crowd. I even had told him it was cool, accidents happen. I feel like I'm scary...and I really don't like it most of the time because that means everyone sees me that way until they get to know me...but therein lays the problem...who would want to get to know me?

I have a feeling this is going to be harder than I thought. I just left 30 years of friendships behind me to build a new life and thus far it seems to be leading to a life of solitude. Which sucks because I miss affection...I miss snuggling and caresses...I miss fucking. It's odd the things I took for granted when I was a younger man and I was hot, thin and wanted. Now that I am 37, big and apparently less attractive than when I was practically skeletal boy. Then again tomorrow always has the hope of better things and the promise of change. I will try not to let it all crush me. It's a difficult journey sometimes, but then the best stories have difficult plot lines. I just hope I am the hero of the story and not just some boring extra thrown in for filler.

Digitized Screams...

I'd call
But you wouldn't hear me...
You would hear noises and sounds that were familiar
But you wouldn't hear the soul
Screaming underneath.
I would write,
But it wouldn't be the same.
Just digitized dots
Popping up into familiar
I miss you's and I love you's...
But just being dots you've seen time and again.

I want old parchment paper
and a cup where I could catch blood
from cuts on my body
and I would write a letter
and fill it with my screams
and all of the honesty that lies remiss
within all of the conversations
and pixelizations.
I would seal the parchment
In a fine resin
and dry it so it became hard,
so it resembled nicotine stained glass
(so as not to taint your fairness with my dried life)
and I would deliver it on a bed of dead dried roses,
dozens of them stacked up high
and loosely bonded by old vintage lace ribbons.
Setting upon a pallet of old ballet shoes that are sewn together
delicately so they almost seem separate,
but instead are bonded by the smallest of sutures.

if I were to write such a letter
and deliver it
in such a way
could you hear me then?

or would my transcript lack the luster
that my features must to you?

would my emotion and conviction
be as putrid to you
as these robes of flesh I wear
to conceal the beauty
within?

would my blood wail
as it does within the canyons of my mind
upon that parchment?
or would it crash in deafened ears
that heed no sounding of emotion
from a cadger of affection as myself?

It would not be a waste my love
It would not be exhausted upon you
It would be my pleasure
It would be my torture
As is breathing without your beauty
Without your torment
Without your acute repartee.

I howl!
I lament!
I vow to be ignorant,
To your abstinence!

Walls of Brimstone

These are my silent screams
written upon blood soaked walls
dug in with raw fingertips
robbed of nails years ago
these are my tears
soaked upon a face
worn with sorrow
twisted in agony
leaving a salty silt upon it
this is where I throw my agony
this is how the knots I make
stay away from my neck
this is the drawer where my razors hide
so as to not slit this throat
my painting of dejection
this is where the sorrows hide
and build an army
to ultimately destroy me
once and for all
on the so called birth of a messiah
or to pull me under eventually
into the currents of societies depraved
and insolent urchins of anguish
this is my box
this is where I live
I am no better or worse
Hiding in my pain
As if these walls were made of brimstone and fire
And hell was all about me

Too late

I am going to try and cut back on the bitter I am going to try and be nicer I am actually going to make an attempt to really be there for people I tend to be so lost in my own world that I forget about everyone in mine Until it's too late By then it doesn't matter Those people are gone They have moved on to doing other things And I am here wondering where they went Why they left me? Well I know Because I didn't pay attention To the people that meant something and it is too late to show them now