creep

When you were here before
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel
Your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so fucking special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice when I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell I'm doing here?
I don't belong here

She's running out again
She's running out
She runs runs runs

Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
I don't belong here




I walk drunkenly by bridges but do not jump...
I think about it the whole time I am walking by.
About how easy it would be to throw myself over the railing.
How this height would surely do enough damage for death...
what stops me is how uncertain the death is...
I could turn out to be a vegetable and cause myself to be a burden on my family
FUCK THAT
I don't like being a burden on myself half the time much less anyone else.
I chicken out of suicide because it is uncertain with almost every possibility...
Much like that which I am giving up
Because life is full of possibilities...
I am stuck in the mediocre and lame.
I find women that do not want me...only my attention
One would call them teases
They may be right but it's all the attention I get
I will take it
Being used is normal now
Being brushed aside is normal now
Being second best or on reserve is where I am
I am not the guy they fall head over heels for anymore
He passed away several years ago
and left Mr. Lame behind.
I wake up simply to exist and pay bills
I live so I am not a burden on anyone but myself...
my existence is unhappy and unfulfilled
I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here
I don't belong here....

Nathan "Flutebox" Lee and Beardyman @ Google, London

rhyme...can I...should I? I just did

It’s been quite a many weeks since the first time
It’s been quite a few moments since that first rhyme
Them neighbors been staring at me over and over and
They always look at me like they found a four leaf clover
With shit on it
Spot on it
The fucker in the building that don’t belong on it…
In it
Within in it
The guy that dint
Get a degree or
A lesson or three
So something is wrong with him, with we,
Hold on
Maybe it is just you
Because you think you’re spot on with a lesson or two
Maybe three
And you got a degree
But you haven’t lived life
Like a guy like me
I have seen the gutter you speak of
The gutter you read of
The gutter you dream of…
Yeah girl I lived right in it
The ghetto, the projects, the trailer…
But now the Civic…
Some folks may think I’m big pimpin
But others they judge and think my brain is gimpin
I’ve got my my honor, my loyalty and my life…
I’ve lived through struggles and I’ve dealt with strife
I know what it’s like to live in these
Times with less and these tragedies.
What did you do to get where you are?
Your parents paid for school and your brand new car…
Your family backed you and gave you it all…
My parents beat me and gave me the stall
That’s where you find shit
And those who rise from it
The beaten the bruised and the conquerors
The people who stand and become fighters
So don’t try and tell me all that you learned
Your book means shit and your brains they’re worse
I learned through life and a fist
The concrete the bullets and a life like this
I had my fill of Government cheese
And begging just to get some ease
You don’t know what this life is like
You always had it easy just like your Dad’s wife
That’s right I just punked your Mom
And everything that you’ve based your life upon
Because you can always “act” better than me
the truth is you are weak, that’s reality.

This is about no one and everyone at once...because we all think were better but we don't have a cause. The truth is we all bleed red and we all end up dead. Live your life and leave others to theirs instead. Love...Life...No Ego...Let Go! Lose what you can and then lose control. It's your soul your body your mind your spirit the whole...everything at once...the whole damned show.

Chinese gardens and assertive behavior

Sometimes I wonder...when did I lose the sparkle? When I did I lose the shine? Or was the light and glimmer only taken from your eyes? Because inside I burn just as bright.

I hung out with roommate K today. I remember her always being so bright and a lot of fun. I had a crush on her and I am starting to realize every girl I have bonded with I always want sexually. I may have not had enough affection as a child. I think this may be where the sex addiction came from.

While in Phoenix you told me you noticed I was more assertive now...which means I am changing in your eyes. But when did I lose the light your eyes once held for me? When did I no longer mean as much? Because somewhere along the way we lost one another and even when I feel like we are connecting again you go cold and distant. You start telling stories of other men, better men...or at least better for you than I am. Which makes me wonder what makes them better? Because I am awesome...but in a less sculpted body...BINGO! I need to get this body in tune with this mind. I need everyone to see me as art as much as they see the art I create. By September I want to look fantastic in my tuxedo at the wedding. I want to send you a couple pics of me that make your jaw drop. Because I still love you...You the big M the only M that ever mattered. Somehow you can hold my heart in the pieces you left it and it never feels quite broken. Only damaged and ready to grow stronger.