Her...the time has come to say good bye

So...first off I must admit, I have completely let go of the girl I was angry with and in "love" with. I have found her to be an image and that only. She was pretty to look at, however what lurks within her is so shallow and I wish that someday she will become filled with real life and not this consumer snob zombie she has become. I wish her well, but she is no longer in my life and I do hope it stays that way.

Anger is unbecoming

Damn...how often can I lie to myself and say I am over someone when I am not. I know I need to concentrate my alone time on exercise and art. It is the only way to fill the void she left. I must create and I must rebuild. It is the only distractions that work.

I am thinking of delving in music again. I have been inspired by all the metal I have listened to lately. I miss being on stage and roaring like a Viking over the hordes awaiting slaughter. I miss being the demon above the writhing souls. I was never just a performer...I was something more than that. When the lights turned off and the music began I could feel power flowing through my veins like I have never known. I want that back...perhaps I can make this happen. It's a strange time to do it being so close to 40...but then when will I do it if not now? It was the most peaceful I have ever been. All my anger was unleashed in the music. I want that back.

Always a let down

You...I left you in Phoenix. I thought somehow my heart ache would end there since you were pretty much living like a married couple with Nate. But it did not end there did it? Do you enjoy hurting me? Did you have to move to Oregon to hurt me more? Apparently you just could not let me live in happiness could you? So you came here and now you don't hang out with me. But I was good enough to use for a place to crash until you got your new job and relocated? Obviously you used me...because I have not seen you once since you have been here. You have not called or even wrote a simple hello. Fuck a little consideration would be nice but you cannot even pay me that.
You come to Portland and basically made me feel bad about what I own and how I live. Now you live here and you cannot even be my friend? Fuck you...seriously fuck you for making me feel so bad about myself. Fuck you for ruining my new life in a place where I knew no one. Fuck you for hurting me and letting this continue for over 8 years now. I wanted my freedom and now I know you could be looming around the corner and I will run into you and feel my fucking heart break into a thousand pieces over and over again.
I hope the roses I sent bother your allergies or maybe one pricked you and you get an infection from it.
I wanted to be free...I wanted the safety of over a thousand miles. Now it has been robbed from me.

I may have to find a new job somewhere over seas and never tell you I left. That might be my only solution.

Saving = no fun for me

I need to save for the new loft apartment downtown...but damn I am bored and having crazy bouts of insomnia. No fun...that and the thoughts of women in my head. Oh I miss a warm body so very much. But it must be a warm pretty body...I will never sell out my standards.

Pissed off at a crappy web company

What really is upsetting is when companies make defamatory comments about a business because of their own business practices. If you are running a web based business why would you offer items that you do not already have in stock? This seems like a great way to upset customers if you cannot get the items from the supplier in a timely manner. What seems best is what most successful web stores do, offer products that are in stock. Then you are not working with a credit based system or the "I promise that I will have something eventually that may or may not exist but I will take your money and use it in the mean time" system. But apparently it is much easier for a company to place blame on another if they fail to meet unexpected needs. I am surprised at times that any company would continue supplying another company when they do make defamatory statements.

Some days...

Some days I hate coming in to work. It feels like some times no one really even cares if we go under. I suppose I say this because I am the only manager that stays here for close to 12 hours a day. I am the only one that contacts our major distributor and lets them know what is going on. I am no martyr though and cannot continue pretending to be so. I am just upset that no one else is stepping up and doing what they should sometimes. I guess we are all pretty self involved sometimes and concerned mainly with our own lives. This is a major factor in our own lives though. If this company fails many of us cannot work by the appearance standards of normal society, not only that but we live in a city where jobs are a rarity.
I hope something changes soon because I get a little scared when I think this all could fail. But then I remember...maybe I am only scared of losing some material possessions and relocating again. Well if I do, life goes on. We cannot always be comfortable in life. A friend said this the other day and I laugh and agree a little. "Sometimes life leaves a surprise $100 bill laying on your dresser, but eventually you realize life left it there because it fucked you" It's funny, yet not.

Whine whine...bitch bitch

So as of late it has been essentially hard for me to be around couples. It seems every couple I know has problems but they bitch about couple problems to me or I am around it. I have no idea what to tell them. But they constantly seem to know what to tell me. About how lucky I am to be single and I should take advantage of it more. Really? I did that when I was younger but not now. Now I feel like I really want one person to settle down with and maybe even consider children. Yep I said that…because honestly I tell people I do not want kids or to be married because I am trying to hide how badly I really do. I am getting older and I am aching to find someone to love and grow old with. I cannot wait to have someone in my life that is willing to be around for me and I can be around for them. I cannot be around couples very long right now though. Last night I came home and my married roommates were being cute together and I had to practically run into my room because I was about to burst into tears (which is exactly what I did until I regained my composure) I know most people I know would either call me a fag or say I am emo for such a thing but why? I mean honestly I feel, I am human…eventually issues in my life cause me to break down on occasion. But then having couples around or even single women that date so often they never seem single, giving me advice…well it really sucks. Seriously, we do not relate on that level. You can go home to your significant other or to a guy that likes you and get affection whenever you like. You have someone complimenting you or calling you because they care about you. Chances are you do not go months without intercourse, months without an intimate moment, months without a kiss unless you choose to do so or you are still a virgin and have decided you want to be that way for some time. If I even want a hug I get one by the occasional “friend” hug, but I have not had a good hug in some time. The closest I have been to a moment of intimacy was a girl accidentally placing her backside up against my arm while we were trying to sleep. Otherwise I hug my pillow every night to go to sleep. I find affection by giving our cat a hug and a snuggle every now and then. The only person to touch me in any matter is me. When I try to date what normally happens is excuses of “I’m not ready to have a man in my life right now” or “I would prefer we just stay friends”. I go to movies alone almost 3 times a week. I eat dinner alone almost daily. I shop alone and go to art museums alone. I even went to a few bars and shows alone. It’s not much fun. I have also been told my standards are too high. What? Fuck that…my standards are exactly the same as they have always been and I am not changing them for anyone but myself. I will not just date someone for the sake of having someone. I need to have an attraction to them. I need to feel an interest in them as a person. I require passion and intimacy to even want to be with a girl. I would rather be alone than to fool someone into believing I am genuine and interested when I am not.
People wonder why I feel like a monster? No one wants me for anything more than a person to keep around because I can be pleasant and good company, but hell no would I give that beast affection. There’s another one for the couples or single women…”But you are an attractive guy, plenty of girls would date you” Oh really? Is that why my phone only rings when it is my Mother or why most of my email is generally spam? I try smiling, flirting and having a good attitude around people. I don’t know what to do or say anymore…some days I really wish I could turn off the world or have a pause button for life. I want to tell my friends that I am happy because usually I am. It’s just as of late I realized…I like having someone to share life with. I enjoy life so much more when someone I love and care about is there with me sharing those moments. Without someone like that I feel like a robot going through the programmed motions of the day and then shutting down for the night time.
I know maybe it seems a bit like self pity and truly it is. However I just need to write these things down every now and then otherwise they build up inside and I start giving up on everything.