Whine whine...bitch bitch

So as of late it has been essentially hard for me to be around couples. It seems every couple I know has problems but they bitch about couple problems to me or I am around it. I have no idea what to tell them. But they constantly seem to know what to tell me. About how lucky I am to be single and I should take advantage of it more. Really? I did that when I was younger but not now. Now I feel like I really want one person to settle down with and maybe even consider children. Yep I said that…because honestly I tell people I do not want kids or to be married because I am trying to hide how badly I really do. I am getting older and I am aching to find someone to love and grow old with. I cannot wait to have someone in my life that is willing to be around for me and I can be around for them. I cannot be around couples very long right now though. Last night I came home and my married roommates were being cute together and I had to practically run into my room because I was about to burst into tears (which is exactly what I did until I regained my composure) I know most people I know would either call me a fag or say I am emo for such a thing but why? I mean honestly I feel, I am human…eventually issues in my life cause me to break down on occasion. But then having couples around or even single women that date so often they never seem single, giving me advice…well it really sucks. Seriously, we do not relate on that level. You can go home to your significant other or to a guy that likes you and get affection whenever you like. You have someone complimenting you or calling you because they care about you. Chances are you do not go months without intercourse, months without an intimate moment, months without a kiss unless you choose to do so or you are still a virgin and have decided you want to be that way for some time. If I even want a hug I get one by the occasional “friend” hug, but I have not had a good hug in some time. The closest I have been to a moment of intimacy was a girl accidentally placing her backside up against my arm while we were trying to sleep. Otherwise I hug my pillow every night to go to sleep. I find affection by giving our cat a hug and a snuggle every now and then. The only person to touch me in any matter is me. When I try to date what normally happens is excuses of “I’m not ready to have a man in my life right now” or “I would prefer we just stay friends”. I go to movies alone almost 3 times a week. I eat dinner alone almost daily. I shop alone and go to art museums alone. I even went to a few bars and shows alone. It’s not much fun. I have also been told my standards are too high. What? Fuck that…my standards are exactly the same as they have always been and I am not changing them for anyone but myself. I will not just date someone for the sake of having someone. I need to have an attraction to them. I need to feel an interest in them as a person. I require passion and intimacy to even want to be with a girl. I would rather be alone than to fool someone into believing I am genuine and interested when I am not.
People wonder why I feel like a monster? No one wants me for anything more than a person to keep around because I can be pleasant and good company, but hell no would I give that beast affection. There’s another one for the couples or single women…”But you are an attractive guy, plenty of girls would date you” Oh really? Is that why my phone only rings when it is my Mother or why most of my email is generally spam? I try smiling, flirting and having a good attitude around people. I don’t know what to do or say anymore…some days I really wish I could turn off the world or have a pause button for life. I want to tell my friends that I am happy because usually I am. It’s just as of late I realized…I like having someone to share life with. I enjoy life so much more when someone I love and care about is there with me sharing those moments. Without someone like that I feel like a robot going through the programmed motions of the day and then shutting down for the night time.
I know maybe it seems a bit like self pity and truly it is. However I just need to write these things down every now and then otherwise they build up inside and I start giving up on everything.