5pm and recovering (unedited)

Today has been something on the boring side. However I am enjoying it nonetheless and am inside taking care of myself and fighting off what seems to be a cold, but is actually the result of too much speed in my nose. Somehow on Friday night I decided to knock upon the door of an old problem of mine and then spent hours trying to snort every bit of it away. Eventually I saw myself standing in that room looking like a junkie all shaky and shit and looking like a fool to my friends. It took me forever to come down but when I did I decided there is a point where some things just cannot be a part of my life. I have ended this relationship with coke for the last time. I never want to feel like that again. Now for two days I am dealing with congestion and feeling like hell. I really don't know what I was thinking but I am glad I wont be doing it any more. I have too much ahead of me to lose it to that shit.
I was web surfing and also drawing today. The drawing thus far is a Dia De Los Muertos Mary and has been an on and off thing for a bit.
I decided to be more on with it now though. I want to complete it and show it off. I like it a lot and believe when it is done it will be quite a piece.
The web surfing was mindless to a point. I found a few web blogs of mine and read them for a bit. Memories digital style. I need something to store those memories now because I have changed a lot and will do so more over the next few years I believe.
I found some other web blogs I used to read as well. One belonged to a girl I once pined over and did so for years, since 2003 I would believe, or at least that was when everything was stronger. It has been 7 long years of heartache and work since then. Rebuilding myself, rebuilding and healing my heart. I must admit I will never be the person I was in 03' he is barely someone I remember now. I admit, she is someone I barely remember now as well. Seven years can change so many things about a person. I went from being a well paid banker, to a minimum wage production worker, to an office worker/manager and have moved from Phoenix, Az to Portland, Or. Whereas she accomplished much more, being a telephone worker making very little, to a full time student and is now well paid and working in a medical field and will continue to be a student and work towards even better things. I am more sure now that she will never be a part of my life in that way again...I think she made it obvious and if she did want me in that way she would sincerely need to tell me otherwise I would never know.
I remember more but I cannot share it...my heartache has become tiring to many including myself.
We are much different people now and truly those aches and pains are yesterdays nostalgia.

I am thinking I need more art in my world. I believe I will work more on creation and less on my demise. My heart has always been the death of me and I do not wish it to catch up once more at this time.

Amazing enough...I find myself less interested in dating. I feel an incessant need to be close to a woman, yet I feel no need to continue playing the games of a fool to procure one.

it's a new dawn, it's a new day...it's a new life for me