The first day of 2010 and I find myself walking alone in the rain. I didn’t expect this, but I found myself in a situation and I needed out of it. The person I went with seemed to be enjoying the company of a male at the club and to not cock block I left. I must admit I was pissy, but it was mostly from the jealousy that I myself would not be having any make out action tonight or anything else. I did have the cute bartender from the club I started my night at kiss me…and for some reason I kept forgetting this fact. So I walked in the rain for a while until I decided to call my friend and make sure she would be all right before I called a cab home. She was fine and I decided I would head up Burnside and start the trek home.
I kept trying to reach cab companies and the lines were basically dead, most likely too many callers at once. Another cab company had an answering machine on for the following day’s pickups. Obviously that was not when I wanted to come home so I caught my breath and decided I would do the thing I did not want to do. Walk all five miles home uphill.
The beginning of our hill is pretty cool. It has a nice little park and across the way there is a small strip mall. They have recently installed drinking fountains in the park also, but I decided since they were so new and I didn’t have all too much alcohol, that I should be okay without a drink from them.
The walkway up the hill starts off with about 200 feet of sidewalk…and that is where it stops for the next 2 miles. So I sloshed through mud and rocks and kept going uphill. I was very impressed with my Merrell Thermo 6 boots as to they are truly waterproof and did their job of keeping my feet warm in this shitty situation. Eventually I made it to the next area of sidewalk and kept pressing on. It is amazing how much one can appreciate sidewalk when one is in such a situation as this. However after another 100 feet the sidewalk stopped yet again leading into rocks, mud, and general slush and muck.
Yet somehow I kept going for another mile or so. It was during this time that I started thinking about a ride. I am drenched in water even though my feet are dry. For some reason I did not think my Goretex waterproof jacket was fashionable enough to wear out and wore my Dickies jacket which is not so waterproof at all. Good choice tough guy…and we can see how much this jacket impressed the ladies tonight, can’t we?
It was now that I noticed how many cabs were passing me and how even if I waved at them they just kept going as if I was not there. I truly felt invisible. Then my brain started in. “No one cares about you, that’s why you are here” “If anyone loved you, you would not be alone and drenched in the rain” “You are just a sad little man with nothing, it is no wonder you are in this situation” I just started attacking myself over and over. Wave upon wave of self depreciation and loneliness washed over me. “Good job fat boy, yet again you can’t get the girl” “You’re so miserable you should just jump this cliff and fall to die in the trench below” …I started falling for it at first. I started listening and believing the madness my own brain was screaming at me. There in the middle of the pouring rain, in the darkness of Burnside road miles away from Downtown Portland…I was alone…and I cried for the first time in years. It only lasted for a few moments before I caught myself and regained my composure. It just was too much all of the sudden…everything that was going on I had control over and I was losing control.
I tried to wave down a couple more cabs and then just gave up. I started trudging farther up hill and with a vengeance. I am now a few miles into it and I know I have more to go. My legs hurt…they are burning. My chest is burning and still hurts from the remnants of the chest cold I had days before. My nose is still congested and feels like it is filled with cotton. The heels of my feet feel bruised from hiking through the snow and ice for two miles just a day or so before this. Somehow I convince myself that all of this pain must be good for me. It is now that a bit more sidewalk appears. I see the tunnel ahead and in my mind this is like a halfway point because I know that the cemetery is just a bit ahead as well. This makes me a lot happier because near the cemetery the hill starts to go flat and even. I will not have to continue this repugnant trek uphill for much longer.
My nostrils are filled with a horrid odor…I look down and see a raccoon splayed in the mud in front of me almost as if it were a tiny rotten bear skin rug in the mud. I think to myself “That is what giving up looks like…that is what your cowardice smells like” I walk around it and I push onward. My thighs are truly on fire at this point and steam is rising from my body when I get under a street lamp.
After another ten minutes of this has passed I walk over a part of the hill and see the street seem to go level. I look to my left and see fog and a large cross of Kells and the side of a small hill. I have reached the cemetery. I remember thinking of the Old gods at this moment and thanking them for such a view. This was the most pleasant part of my journey. Somehow I am filled with beautiful memories and vintage black slips run through my head while porcelain ghosts grace the hillside dancing through my mind. I feel a comfort in my mind because of the love that fills these places. The dead live here and they will not bother me. I keep walking but every step brings a beautiful thought to mind…I feel serene and almost sedated. This is a peace I long for and for these next few moments I have it. Not a car seems to pass and because there is no sidewalk here either I am walking on what I believe is now Barnes road as to it changes at some point and is no longer Burnside. For a few more moments in the fog and mist I remember a girl worth remembering and then the dream fades with each step.
Eventually I start seeing houses and this leads me towards a small strip mall and a QFC with a Starbucks and a Blockbuster Video attached. I am only about 10 minutes away from home now and I cannot wait to get inside and take a hot shower. I was beyond the aches and pains at this point but I was very tired and quite ready for sleep.
I realized at this moment I wanted to remind myself how it was that I did this to myself. I took out my cell phone and pressed the video camera function. I recorded myself for a few more minutes on the way to my apartments. I told myself not to be such a fool in the future. This was a good lesson and a hard way to learn it but then it was a lesson I needed to be reminded of. I had thought years before that this lesson was something I learned and obviously I was wrong. I cannot keep presenting myself as a fool for others to enjoy but instead I must be the strong willed man who can pull himself through miles of pain to reach his goals.
So right before I went to bed and right after I had showered I remembered the pretty bartender kissing me…and I carried the smile it gave me right into my dreams. Not the best adventure but the one I had to share for the moment…thanks for reading and good night.
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