Were odd...the girl from the past was here. She stayed in my apartment and unfortunately she stayed in my apartment. I have second hand everything for furniture and it just seems crappy. My bed is a hide a bed couch and it is uncomfortable. I felt so embarrassed having her here.
So I know now she is not the least bit interested in me. However it still makes me wonder why here? Why move here where I live if there is nothing between us? We aren't the same kind of people and unfortunately I know now...it would never work between us. I think she is absolutely attractive...but something is missing now. She is not the kind of person I can see myself growing old with. I have officially fallen out of love with her.
I suppose I now have the closure I needed. But she had a job interview up here that went well. Although it was not in Portland it was in Hood River. But what if she is here all the time? Will I feel completely uncomfortable around her still? Will I feel a longing to know her physically again but feel so distant and separate from her inside as I do now?
I hope we can remain friends...but as of now I feel hesitant. I feel like maybe in her eyes I am poor dumb white trash and I would never be good enough. But really as I read what I am writing...does it matter? Does it matter if she thinks I am lame? It used to...but now...now I feel as if a weight has been lifted from my life and a spell has been broken. I feel as if I can move on now. Somehow though...deep within...I still am getting what ifs. It may be because I loved her for so long unrequited. It may be because it is just something I was so used to doing that breaking the pattern is difficult.
I miss the girl I once knew...because somewhere inside I will always love that person. The one I know now...I do not know at all.
It scares me though...am I capable of loving again? I have no answer...because I am very confused about the subject.
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