Some days...

Some days I hate coming in to work. It feels like some times no one really even cares if we go under. I suppose I say this because I am the only manager that stays here for close to 12 hours a day. I am the only one that contacts our major distributor and lets them know what is going on. I am no martyr though and cannot continue pretending to be so. I am just upset that no one else is stepping up and doing what they should sometimes. I guess we are all pretty self involved sometimes and concerned mainly with our own lives. This is a major factor in our own lives though. If this company fails many of us cannot work by the appearance standards of normal society, not only that but we live in a city where jobs are a rarity.
I hope something changes soon because I get a little scared when I think this all could fail. But then I remember...maybe I am only scared of losing some material possessions and relocating again. Well if I do, life goes on. We cannot always be comfortable in life. A friend said this the other day and I laugh and agree a little. "Sometimes life leaves a surprise $100 bill laying on your dresser, but eventually you realize life left it there because it fucked you" It's funny, yet not.

Whine whine...bitch bitch

So as of late it has been essentially hard for me to be around couples. It seems every couple I know has problems but they bitch about couple problems to me or I am around it. I have no idea what to tell them. But they constantly seem to know what to tell me. About how lucky I am to be single and I should take advantage of it more. Really? I did that when I was younger but not now. Now I feel like I really want one person to settle down with and maybe even consider children. Yep I said that…because honestly I tell people I do not want kids or to be married because I am trying to hide how badly I really do. I am getting older and I am aching to find someone to love and grow old with. I cannot wait to have someone in my life that is willing to be around for me and I can be around for them. I cannot be around couples very long right now though. Last night I came home and my married roommates were being cute together and I had to practically run into my room because I was about to burst into tears (which is exactly what I did until I regained my composure) I know most people I know would either call me a fag or say I am emo for such a thing but why? I mean honestly I feel, I am human…eventually issues in my life cause me to break down on occasion. But then having couples around or even single women that date so often they never seem single, giving me advice…well it really sucks. Seriously, we do not relate on that level. You can go home to your significant other or to a guy that likes you and get affection whenever you like. You have someone complimenting you or calling you because they care about you. Chances are you do not go months without intercourse, months without an intimate moment, months without a kiss unless you choose to do so or you are still a virgin and have decided you want to be that way for some time. If I even want a hug I get one by the occasional “friend” hug, but I have not had a good hug in some time. The closest I have been to a moment of intimacy was a girl accidentally placing her backside up against my arm while we were trying to sleep. Otherwise I hug my pillow every night to go to sleep. I find affection by giving our cat a hug and a snuggle every now and then. The only person to touch me in any matter is me. When I try to date what normally happens is excuses of “I’m not ready to have a man in my life right now” or “I would prefer we just stay friends”. I go to movies alone almost 3 times a week. I eat dinner alone almost daily. I shop alone and go to art museums alone. I even went to a few bars and shows alone. It’s not much fun. I have also been told my standards are too high. What? Fuck that…my standards are exactly the same as they have always been and I am not changing them for anyone but myself. I will not just date someone for the sake of having someone. I need to have an attraction to them. I need to feel an interest in them as a person. I require passion and intimacy to even want to be with a girl. I would rather be alone than to fool someone into believing I am genuine and interested when I am not.
People wonder why I feel like a monster? No one wants me for anything more than a person to keep around because I can be pleasant and good company, but hell no would I give that beast affection. There’s another one for the couples or single women…”But you are an attractive guy, plenty of girls would date you” Oh really? Is that why my phone only rings when it is my Mother or why most of my email is generally spam? I try smiling, flirting and having a good attitude around people. I don’t know what to do or say anymore…some days I really wish I could turn off the world or have a pause button for life. I want to tell my friends that I am happy because usually I am. It’s just as of late I realized…I like having someone to share life with. I enjoy life so much more when someone I love and care about is there with me sharing those moments. Without someone like that I feel like a robot going through the programmed motions of the day and then shutting down for the night time.
I know maybe it seems a bit like self pity and truly it is. However I just need to write these things down every now and then otherwise they build up inside and I start giving up on everything.

5pm and recovering (unedited)

Today has been something on the boring side. However I am enjoying it nonetheless and am inside taking care of myself and fighting off what seems to be a cold, but is actually the result of too much speed in my nose. Somehow on Friday night I decided to knock upon the door of an old problem of mine and then spent hours trying to snort every bit of it away. Eventually I saw myself standing in that room looking like a junkie all shaky and shit and looking like a fool to my friends. It took me forever to come down but when I did I decided there is a point where some things just cannot be a part of my life. I have ended this relationship with coke for the last time. I never want to feel like that again. Now for two days I am dealing with congestion and feeling like hell. I really don't know what I was thinking but I am glad I wont be doing it any more. I have too much ahead of me to lose it to that shit.
I was web surfing and also drawing today. The drawing thus far is a Dia De Los Muertos Mary and has been an on and off thing for a bit.
I decided to be more on with it now though. I want to complete it and show it off. I like it a lot and believe when it is done it will be quite a piece.
The web surfing was mindless to a point. I found a few web blogs of mine and read them for a bit. Memories digital style. I need something to store those memories now because I have changed a lot and will do so more over the next few years I believe.
I found some other web blogs I used to read as well. One belonged to a girl I once pined over and did so for years, since 2003 I would believe, or at least that was when everything was stronger. It has been 7 long years of heartache and work since then. Rebuilding myself, rebuilding and healing my heart. I must admit I will never be the person I was in 03' he is barely someone I remember now. I admit, she is someone I barely remember now as well. Seven years can change so many things about a person. I went from being a well paid banker, to a minimum wage production worker, to an office worker/manager and have moved from Phoenix, Az to Portland, Or. Whereas she accomplished much more, being a telephone worker making very little, to a full time student and is now well paid and working in a medical field and will continue to be a student and work towards even better things. I am more sure now that she will never be a part of my life in that way again...I think she made it obvious and if she did want me in that way she would sincerely need to tell me otherwise I would never know.
I remember more but I cannot share it...my heartache has become tiring to many including myself.
We are much different people now and truly those aches and pains are yesterdays nostalgia.

I am thinking I need more art in my world. I believe I will work more on creation and less on my demise. My heart has always been the death of me and I do not wish it to catch up once more at this time.

Amazing enough...I find myself less interested in dating. I feel an incessant need to be close to a woman, yet I feel no need to continue playing the games of a fool to procure one.

it's a new dawn, it's a new day...it's a new life for me

The last few days

Were odd...the girl from the past was here. She stayed in my apartment and unfortunately she stayed in my apartment. I have second hand everything for furniture and it just seems crappy. My bed is a hide a bed couch and it is uncomfortable. I felt so embarrassed having her here.
So I know now she is not the least bit interested in me. However it still makes me wonder why here? Why move here where I live if there is nothing between us? We aren't the same kind of people and unfortunately I know now...it would never work between us. I think she is absolutely attractive...but something is missing now. She is not the kind of person I can see myself growing old with. I have officially fallen out of love with her.
I suppose I now have the closure I needed. But she had a job interview up here that went well. Although it was not in Portland it was in Hood River. But what if she is here all the time? Will I feel completely uncomfortable around her still? Will I feel a longing to know her physically again but feel so distant and separate from her inside as I do now?
I hope we can remain friends...but as of now I feel hesitant. I feel like maybe in her eyes I am poor dumb white trash and I would never be good enough. But really as I read what I am writing...does it matter? Does it matter if she thinks I am lame? It used to...but now...now I feel as if a weight has been lifted from my life and a spell has been broken. I feel as if I can move on now. Somehow though...deep within...I still am getting what ifs. It may be because I loved her for so long unrequited. It may be because it is just something I was so used to doing that breaking the pattern is difficult.
I miss the girl I once knew...because somewhere inside I will always love that person. The one I know now...I do not know at all.
It scares me though...am I capable of loving again? I have no answer...because I am very confused about the subject.

Sometimes the best & most erotic moments are those when only minds touch. Where words are the hands, the mouth, the genitals exciting another to orgasm.

Curses, Crosses and Kisses : aka my New Year 2010

The first day of 2010 and I find myself walking alone in the rain. I didn’t expect this, but I found myself in a situation and I needed out of it. The person I went with seemed to be enjoying the company of a male at the club and to not cock block I left. I must admit I was pissy, but it was mostly from the jealousy that I myself would not be having any make out action tonight or anything else. I did have the cute bartender from the club I started my night at kiss me…and for some reason I kept forgetting this fact. So I walked in the rain for a while until I decided to call my friend and make sure she would be all right before I called a cab home. She was fine and I decided I would head up Burnside and start the trek home.

I kept trying to reach cab companies and the lines were basically dead, most likely too many callers at once. Another cab company had an answering machine on for the following day’s pickups. Obviously that was not when I wanted to come home so I caught my breath and decided I would do the thing I did not want to do. Walk all five miles home uphill.

The beginning of our hill is pretty cool. It has a nice little park and across the way there is a small strip mall. They have recently installed drinking fountains in the park also, but I decided since they were so new and I didn’t have all too much alcohol, that I should be okay without a drink from them.

The walkway up the hill starts off with about 200 feet of sidewalk…and that is where it stops for the next 2 miles. So I sloshed through mud and rocks and kept going uphill. I was very impressed with my Merrell Thermo 6 boots as to they are truly waterproof and did their job of keeping my feet warm in this shitty situation. Eventually I made it to the next area of sidewalk and kept pressing on. It is amazing how much one can appreciate sidewalk when one is in such a situation as this. However after another 100 feet the sidewalk stopped yet again leading into rocks, mud, and general slush and muck.

Yet somehow I kept going for another mile or so. It was during this time that I started thinking about a ride. I am drenched in water even though my feet are dry. For some reason I did not think my Goretex waterproof jacket was fashionable enough to wear out and wore my Dickies jacket which is not so waterproof at all. Good choice tough guy…and we can see how much this jacket impressed the ladies tonight, can’t we?

It was now that I noticed how many cabs were passing me and how even if I waved at them they just kept going as if I was not there. I truly felt invisible. Then my brain started in. “No one cares about you, that’s why you are here” “If anyone loved you, you would not be alone and drenched in the rain” “You are just a sad little man with nothing, it is no wonder you are in this situation” I just started attacking myself over and over. Wave upon wave of self depreciation and loneliness washed over me. “Good job fat boy, yet again you can’t get the girl” “You’re so miserable you should just jump this cliff and fall to die in the trench below” …I started falling for it at first. I started listening and believing the madness my own brain was screaming at me. There in the middle of the pouring rain, in the darkness of Burnside road miles away from Downtown Portland…I was alone…and I cried for the first time in years. It only lasted for a few moments before I caught myself and regained my composure. It just was too much all of the sudden…everything that was going on I had control over and I was losing control.

I tried to wave down a couple more cabs and then just gave up. I started trudging farther up hill and with a vengeance. I am now a few miles into it and I know I have more to go. My legs hurt…they are burning. My chest is burning and still hurts from the remnants of the chest cold I had days before. My nose is still congested and feels like it is filled with cotton. The heels of my feet feel bruised from hiking through the snow and ice for two miles just a day or so before this. Somehow I convince myself that all of this pain must be good for me. It is now that a bit more sidewalk appears. I see the tunnel ahead and in my mind this is like a halfway point because I know that the cemetery is just a bit ahead as well. This makes me a lot happier because near the cemetery the hill starts to go flat and even. I will not have to continue this repugnant trek uphill for much longer.

My nostrils are filled with a horrid odor…I look down and see a raccoon splayed in the mud in front of me almost as if it were a tiny rotten bear skin rug in the mud. I think to myself “That is what giving up looks like…that is what your cowardice smells like” I walk around it and I push onward. My thighs are truly on fire at this point and steam is rising from my body when I get under a street lamp.

After another ten minutes of this has passed I walk over a part of the hill and see the street seem to go level. I look to my left and see fog and a large cross of Kells and the side of a small hill. I have reached the cemetery. I remember thinking of the Old gods at this moment and thanking them for such a view. This was the most pleasant part of my journey. Somehow I am filled with beautiful memories and vintage black slips run through my head while porcelain ghosts grace the hillside dancing through my mind. I feel a comfort in my mind because of the love that fills these places. The dead live here and they will not bother me. I keep walking but every step brings a beautiful thought to mind…I feel serene and almost sedated. This is a peace I long for and for these next few moments I have it. Not a car seems to pass and because there is no sidewalk here either I am walking on what I believe is now Barnes road as to it changes at some point and is no longer Burnside. For a few more moments in the fog and mist I remember a girl worth remembering and then the dream fades with each step.
Eventually I start seeing houses and this leads me towards a small strip mall and a QFC with a Starbucks and a Blockbuster Video attached. I am only about 10 minutes away from home now and I cannot wait to get inside and take a hot shower. I was beyond the aches and pains at this point but I was very tired and quite ready for sleep.

I realized at this moment I wanted to remind myself how it was that I did this to myself. I took out my cell phone and pressed the video camera function. I recorded myself for a few more minutes on the way to my apartments. I told myself not to be such a fool in the future. This was a good lesson and a hard way to learn it but then it was a lesson I needed to be reminded of. I had thought years before that this lesson was something I learned and obviously I was wrong. I cannot keep presenting myself as a fool for others to enjoy but instead I must be the strong willed man who can pull himself through miles of pain to reach his goals.

So right before I went to bed and right after I had showered I remembered the pretty bartender kissing me…and I carried the smile it gave me right into my dreams. Not the best adventure but the one I had to share for the moment…thanks for reading and good night.