Fuck em'

Honestly I am sick and tired of dealing with these damned baby attitudes. The idea that everyone around here feels entitled like they are in charge and they have to have answers to everything. Or the obstinate accountant that feels his suggestions about where I belong in the company should be his way and when it is not he just chooses not to work with me even though I am his superior. I tell you if this was Phoenix, AZ I'd fire every one of these baby fucks. They all need to be smacked around and put in check. Then again if I were given the authority to put them in their place I would.However...even though I am supposed to be their boss, I am not given the authority to axe those that need axing or telling people how it is...they are protected under their new mama's wing. Only 11 months left...I have to get on top of that business plan and then gtfo. I have no idea how to keep my sanity until then.

Damn

I am so pissed off. I work in an environment that should not be cut throat. It is supposed to be where subculture folks work but ever since our office changed into a half yuppie college kid environment, it's been backstab after backstab. These new fuckers keep after me like they are special even though I am the one that earns the fucking money for the bills around that damnable place. I could just choke one of these fucks out.
Well anyway...I have decided to start constructing business plans so I can choose a lucrative business that I can own and get away from these people once and for all. I am hoping I can hold out for one more year and then...Poof, gone. We shall see how that suits those fucks when they realize their paycheck left.

memories...

Spending too much time contemplating the feel, the very presence of loneliness, takes away moments you can be alive & in those moments there is no time to think of loneliness, but how surrounded by life you can be. That feeling of being alone we often feel is a result of memories. A body we once enjoyed and moments we lust after...moments that mean nothing now. Memories are silent killers if we obsess on them.

Day 6

Still fasting....feeling amazing! I do love juice...making your own fresh juice is highly suggested. No additives or sugar, just fresh natural enzymes from organic vegetables. Awesome.

Yum

Today's concoction 3 cups Cranberries, 2 2 x 2” pieces Ginger, 3 Oranges, 2 small Ruby Red Grapefruit and 2 Limes.

Day 5

Still sober...bought a juicer. I am preparing to do a juice fast...I am going to try and hold out for 7 days 1st...if I last that long perhaps 14 in all. The best I have ever done with fasting has been 10 days. However I have never done it with all raw juices before either. Should be quite an experience.

May 9th 2011

First day of Sobriety...we shall see how this continues.

somewhere along the way

somewhere along the way she forgot me. I was her rock...but with time the elements of life wore me down and she didn't notice that I turned into a grain of sand. Placed amongst a million grains...left forgotten on a beach. I am broken and alone...she moved on so long ago. Now I hear wonderful stories of her. How she met an oil rig engineer and its going beautifully. Her friend brought someone with her on our last date...apparently because to her it was "friend" time. I am never a love interest any more...only the friend. Of course she has her old roommates stories of me to deter her...and hearing the "oh you and she used to fuck" breaks me in two. No I used to attach my soul to her and meld my body with hers...it wasn't pornography...but now that is what it has been reduced to. A carnal act of meaningless penetration. Great...that was what my heart was worth. So here I am...with insomnia...crying over the past. She meant so much...I meant nothing...story of my life.

Cursed

Goddamnit....I apparently was wrong...not a date...she invited her ex-husband to go out with us...fuck. I officially have the worst luck with women EVER! I really hate my life...so to pay for this more puking, more exercise fuckwad. I deserve all of this pain until I make myself worth a woman damn it.

They are watching you...

I have holed myself up for the last 3 days, only going out for occasional groceries. I am having some serious anxiety issues and a touch of paranoia...gee thanks Mom. I only say that because my mother is a Paranoid Schizophrenic and has been since I was 11 at the very least. So unfortunately I have had some issues with paranoia throughout my life. Whether it was passed down or because of her daily delusional rantings I do not know. However I do find myself giving me reminders that everything is fine and there is nothing wrong...I am the one being weird. Yay fun...on top of always having some form of clinical depression and now having an eating disorder...well life is grand. So I throw it all here in this anonymous little closet, hiding my skeletons until the day I finally decide upon therapy. Fuck...fuck...fuck.

30 days of songs continued...the finale

day 24 - a song that you want to play at your funeral
Amazing Grace - On Bagpipes...it just seems to fit...it has moved me since I was a child and moves me now.


day 25 - a song that makes you laugh
White and Nerdy from Weird Al works :)


day 26 - a song that you can play on an instrument
I don't play anyone's songs on any instruments.

day 27 - a song that you wish you could play
Daishi Dance feat. Yoshida Brothers Renovation 吉田兄弟 (Full Version)
(I would love to learn to play the Shamisen


day 28 - a song that makes you feel guilty
No such song exists

day 29 - a song from your childhood
The Muppets/Kermit and Fozzie Bear - Moving Right Along


day 30 - your favorite song at this time last year
Hank Williams III - Broke, Lovesick & Driftin'

30 days of songs continued

day 08 - a song that you know all the words to
Honestly I used to know the words to so many songs and as of late there are very few. I think I need to start working on memory games.
Anyway I thought of one off hand...Kitty Wells - Making Believe



day 09 - a song that you can dance to
Well I do not dance normally but I do find myself wanting to dance when I hear Oingo Boingo - Dead Mans Party


day 10 - a song that makes you fall asleep
Well I would not say it makes me fall asleep but I can say it relaxes me to the point where sleep is more possible...Enigma - Mea Culpa




day 11 - a song from your favorite band
I have so many favorites in different genres...but at the moment here is the first that popped in my head: Amon Amarth - Cry of the Black Birds




day 12 - a song from a band you hate
Anything from ICP



day 13 - a song that is a guilty pleasure
Lady Gaga - Poker Face...yeah...no idea why but I like her...so guilty indeed.




day 14 - a song that no one would expect you to love
Sarah McLachlan - Angel




day 15 - a song that describes you
Lynyrd Skynyrd - Simple Man




day 16 - a song that you used to love but now hate
Bloodhound Gang - The Bad Touch...unfortunately a co-worker over played Bloodhound Gang and just ruined it for me.



day 17 - a song that you hear often on the radio
Ke$ha - Blow



day 18 - a song that you wish you heard on the radio
Sage Francis - Sea Lion



day 19 - a song from your favorite album
Dead Can Dance - American Dreaming from the Album Toward the Within




day 20 - a song that you listen to when you’re angry
Dimmu Borgir - The Sacrilegious Scorn



day 21 - a song that you listen to when you’re happy
MC Chris - Fett's Vette



day 22 - a song that you listen to when you’re sad
Death Cab for Cutie - "Someday You Will Be Loved"



day 23 - a song that you want to play at your wedding
Ryan Adams - covering Oasis's song "Wonderwall"



day 24 - a song that you want to play at your funeral
day 25 - a song that makes you laugh
day 26 - a song that you can play on an instrument
day 27 - a song that you wish you could play
day 28 - a song that makes you feel guilty
day 29 - a song from your childhood
day 30 - your favorite song at this time last year

30 days of songs

On Facebook all of my friends are posting 30 days of songs and corresponding videos. I was going to do it as well but I hate filling up my friends pages with inane shit all of the time. I feel like instead of sharing who we are, sometimes we share what we wish we were. Social networking has become so strange.

I stray from topic right here *- Last night I was sitting in the bar to have a drink with 3 coworkers. We all were on our cell phones talking to other people while we were talking to each other. *I am not this important* I am not so special that I should not be paying attention to my other friends and then after having drinks contacting my other friends. But somehow this rude behavior is just normal for people now...so weird. -* Now back to 30 songs

So I decided I am going to post my 30 days of songs here because I still participated but not with everyone. Instead a stranger gets a look into who I am right now as expressed by interest in music.

day 01 - your favorite song
Is a tie between two songs so I am posting them both.
First: The Host of Seraphim by Dead Can Dance. Picking one song from Dead Can Dance that I love most is unusually difficult however this one has moved me since the first time I heard it in my late teens.


the other song I have chosen as a favorite is: Song to the Siren as performed by This Mortal Coil...it moves me.




Day 02 - your least favorite song

Least favorite...hrmm does that mean a favorite still but with less importance? Honestly I know this means a song I may dislike however that is what it should say instead of least favorite. I have never understood using that "term" for something I do not like.
Anyway...

Least favorite/disliked song: Tiny Tim - Tiptoe Through The Tulips
This song and Tiny Tim always made me want to rip my ears from my very head...just drives me bonkers.




day 03 - a song that makes you happy
This one definitely for this point in my life: Atmosphere - The Best Day



day 04 - a song that makes you sad

Oh lord this one was the easiest to pinpoint ever
Known as the Hungarian Suicide Song "Gloomy Sunday" it tugs at my heart strings and makes me sad for real.




day 05 - a song that reminds you of someone
Okay...this is a bit open because many songs remind me of many people...so I will have to assume that this means someone close to my heart. In which case I would think of my sister Rebecca who died when I was about 10...the song is from Debbie Boone - You Light Up My Life...it was the song played at her funeral




day 06 - a song that reminds you of somewhere
Well since I am from Arizona...The Eagles - Take It Easy....this song has always made me think about Arizona even when I was there.




day 07 - a song that reminds you of a certain event
Royal Scottish Bagpipes - The Black Bear ...reminds me of the Highland games



and I will fill in more later.

creep

When you were here before
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel
Your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so fucking special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice when I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell I'm doing here?
I don't belong here

She's running out again
She's running out
She runs runs runs

Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
I don't belong here




I walk drunkenly by bridges but do not jump...
I think about it the whole time I am walking by.
About how easy it would be to throw myself over the railing.
How this height would surely do enough damage for death...
what stops me is how uncertain the death is...
I could turn out to be a vegetable and cause myself to be a burden on my family
FUCK THAT
I don't like being a burden on myself half the time much less anyone else.
I chicken out of suicide because it is uncertain with almost every possibility...
Much like that which I am giving up
Because life is full of possibilities...
I am stuck in the mediocre and lame.
I find women that do not want me...only my attention
One would call them teases
They may be right but it's all the attention I get
I will take it
Being used is normal now
Being brushed aside is normal now
Being second best or on reserve is where I am
I am not the guy they fall head over heels for anymore
He passed away several years ago
and left Mr. Lame behind.
I wake up simply to exist and pay bills
I live so I am not a burden on anyone but myself...
my existence is unhappy and unfulfilled
I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here
I don't belong here....

Nathan "Flutebox" Lee and Beardyman @ Google, London

rhyme...can I...should I? I just did

It’s been quite a many weeks since the first time
It’s been quite a few moments since that first rhyme
Them neighbors been staring at me over and over and
They always look at me like they found a four leaf clover
With shit on it
Spot on it
The fucker in the building that don’t belong on it…
In it
Within in it
The guy that dint
Get a degree or
A lesson or three
So something is wrong with him, with we,
Hold on
Maybe it is just you
Because you think you’re spot on with a lesson or two
Maybe three
And you got a degree
But you haven’t lived life
Like a guy like me
I have seen the gutter you speak of
The gutter you read of
The gutter you dream of…
Yeah girl I lived right in it
The ghetto, the projects, the trailer…
But now the Civic…
Some folks may think I’m big pimpin
But others they judge and think my brain is gimpin
I’ve got my my honor, my loyalty and my life…
I’ve lived through struggles and I’ve dealt with strife
I know what it’s like to live in these
Times with less and these tragedies.
What did you do to get where you are?
Your parents paid for school and your brand new car…
Your family backed you and gave you it all…
My parents beat me and gave me the stall
That’s where you find shit
And those who rise from it
The beaten the bruised and the conquerors
The people who stand and become fighters
So don’t try and tell me all that you learned
Your book means shit and your brains they’re worse
I learned through life and a fist
The concrete the bullets and a life like this
I had my fill of Government cheese
And begging just to get some ease
You don’t know what this life is like
You always had it easy just like your Dad’s wife
That’s right I just punked your Mom
And everything that you’ve based your life upon
Because you can always “act” better than me
the truth is you are weak, that’s reality.

This is about no one and everyone at once...because we all think were better but we don't have a cause. The truth is we all bleed red and we all end up dead. Live your life and leave others to theirs instead. Love...Life...No Ego...Let Go! Lose what you can and then lose control. It's your soul your body your mind your spirit the whole...everything at once...the whole damned show.

Chinese gardens and assertive behavior

Sometimes I wonder...when did I lose the sparkle? When I did I lose the shine? Or was the light and glimmer only taken from your eyes? Because inside I burn just as bright.

I hung out with roommate K today. I remember her always being so bright and a lot of fun. I had a crush on her and I am starting to realize every girl I have bonded with I always want sexually. I may have not had enough affection as a child. I think this may be where the sex addiction came from.

While in Phoenix you told me you noticed I was more assertive now...which means I am changing in your eyes. But when did I lose the light your eyes once held for me? When did I no longer mean as much? Because somewhere along the way we lost one another and even when I feel like we are connecting again you go cold and distant. You start telling stories of other men, better men...or at least better for you than I am. Which makes me wonder what makes them better? Because I am awesome...but in a less sculpted body...BINGO! I need to get this body in tune with this mind. I need everyone to see me as art as much as they see the art I create. By September I want to look fantastic in my tuxedo at the wedding. I want to send you a couple pics of me that make your jaw drop. Because I still love you...You the big M the only M that ever mattered. Somehow you can hold my heart in the pieces you left it and it never feels quite broken. Only damaged and ready to grow stronger.