When you were here before
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel
Your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so fucking special
But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
I don't care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice when I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special
But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell I'm doing here?
I don't belong here
She's running out again
She's running out
She runs runs runs
Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special
But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
I don't belong here
I walk drunkenly by bridges but do not jump...
I think about it the whole time I am walking by.
About how easy it would be to throw myself over the railing.
How this height would surely do enough damage for death...
what stops me is how uncertain the death is...
I could turn out to be a vegetable and cause myself to be a burden on my family
FUCK THAT
I don't like being a burden on myself half the time much less anyone else.
I chicken out of suicide because it is uncertain with almost every possibility...
Much like that which I am giving up
Because life is full of possibilities...
I am stuck in the mediocre and lame.
I find women that do not want me...only my attention
One would call them teases
They may be right but it's all the attention I get
I will take it
Being used is normal now
Being brushed aside is normal now
Being second best or on reserve is where I am
I am not the guy they fall head over heels for anymore
He passed away several years ago
and left Mr. Lame behind.
I wake up simply to exist and pay bills
I live so I am not a burden on anyone but myself...
my existence is unhappy and unfulfilled
I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here
I don't belong here....
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Thursday, January 13, 2011
rhyme...can I...should I? I just did
It’s been quite a many weeks since the first time
It’s been quite a few moments since that first rhyme
Them neighbors been staring at me over and over and
They always look at me like they found a four leaf clover
With shit on it
Spot on it
The fucker in the building that don’t belong on it…
In it
Within in it
The guy that dint
Get a degree or
A lesson or three
So something is wrong with him, with we,
Hold on
Maybe it is just you
Because you think you’re spot on with a lesson or two
Maybe three
And you got a degree
But you haven’t lived life
Like a guy like me
I have seen the gutter you speak of
The gutter you read of
The gutter you dream of…
Yeah girl I lived right in it
The ghetto, the projects, the trailer…
But now the Civic…
Some folks may think I’m big pimpin
But others they judge and think my brain is gimpin
I’ve got my my honor, my loyalty and my life…
I’ve lived through struggles and I’ve dealt with strife
I know what it’s like to live in these
Times with less and these tragedies.
What did you do to get where you are?
Your parents paid for school and your brand new car…
Your family backed you and gave you it all…
My parents beat me and gave me the stall
That’s where you find shit
And those who rise from it
The beaten the bruised and the conquerors
The people who stand and become fighters
So don’t try and tell me all that you learned
Your book means shit and your brains they’re worse
I learned through life and a fist
The concrete the bullets and a life like this
I had my fill of Government cheese
And begging just to get some ease
You don’t know what this life is like
You always had it easy just like your Dad’s wife
That’s right I just punked your Mom
And everything that you’ve based your life upon
Because you can always “act” better than me
the truth is you are weak, that’s reality.
This is about no one and everyone at once...because we all think were better but we don't have a cause. The truth is we all bleed red and we all end up dead. Live your life and leave others to theirs instead. Love...Life...No Ego...Let Go! Lose what you can and then lose control. It's your soul your body your mind your spirit the whole...everything at once...the whole damned show.
It’s been quite a few moments since that first rhyme
Them neighbors been staring at me over and over and
They always look at me like they found a four leaf clover
With shit on it
Spot on it
The fucker in the building that don’t belong on it…
In it
Within in it
The guy that dint
Get a degree or
A lesson or three
So something is wrong with him, with we,
Hold on
Maybe it is just you
Because you think you’re spot on with a lesson or two
Maybe three
And you got a degree
But you haven’t lived life
Like a guy like me
I have seen the gutter you speak of
The gutter you read of
The gutter you dream of…
Yeah girl I lived right in it
The ghetto, the projects, the trailer…
But now the Civic…
Some folks may think I’m big pimpin
But others they judge and think my brain is gimpin
I’ve got my my honor, my loyalty and my life…
I’ve lived through struggles and I’ve dealt with strife
I know what it’s like to live in these
Times with less and these tragedies.
What did you do to get where you are?
Your parents paid for school and your brand new car…
Your family backed you and gave you it all…
My parents beat me and gave me the stall
That’s where you find shit
And those who rise from it
The beaten the bruised and the conquerors
The people who stand and become fighters
So don’t try and tell me all that you learned
Your book means shit and your brains they’re worse
I learned through life and a fist
The concrete the bullets and a life like this
I had my fill of Government cheese
And begging just to get some ease
You don’t know what this life is like
You always had it easy just like your Dad’s wife
That’s right I just punked your Mom
And everything that you’ve based your life upon
Because you can always “act” better than me
the truth is you are weak, that’s reality.
This is about no one and everyone at once...because we all think were better but we don't have a cause. The truth is we all bleed red and we all end up dead. Live your life and leave others to theirs instead. Love...Life...No Ego...Let Go! Lose what you can and then lose control. It's your soul your body your mind your spirit the whole...everything at once...the whole damned show.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Chinese gardens and assertive behavior
Sometimes I wonder...when did I lose the sparkle? When I did I lose the shine? Or was the light and glimmer only taken from your eyes? Because inside I burn just as bright.
I hung out with roommate K today. I remember her always being so bright and a lot of fun. I had a crush on her and I am starting to realize every girl I have bonded with I always want sexually. I may have not had enough affection as a child. I think this may be where the sex addiction came from.
While in Phoenix you told me you noticed I was more assertive now...which means I am changing in your eyes. But when did I lose the light your eyes once held for me? When did I no longer mean as much? Because somewhere along the way we lost one another and even when I feel like we are connecting again you go cold and distant. You start telling stories of other men, better men...or at least better for you than I am. Which makes me wonder what makes them better? Because I am awesome...but in a less sculpted body...BINGO! I need to get this body in tune with this mind. I need everyone to see me as art as much as they see the art I create. By September I want to look fantastic in my tuxedo at the wedding. I want to send you a couple pics of me that make your jaw drop. Because I still love you...You the big M the only M that ever mattered. Somehow you can hold my heart in the pieces you left it and it never feels quite broken. Only damaged and ready to grow stronger.
I hung out with roommate K today. I remember her always being so bright and a lot of fun. I had a crush on her and I am starting to realize every girl I have bonded with I always want sexually. I may have not had enough affection as a child. I think this may be where the sex addiction came from.
While in Phoenix you told me you noticed I was more assertive now...which means I am changing in your eyes. But when did I lose the light your eyes once held for me? When did I no longer mean as much? Because somewhere along the way we lost one another and even when I feel like we are connecting again you go cold and distant. You start telling stories of other men, better men...or at least better for you than I am. Which makes me wonder what makes them better? Because I am awesome...but in a less sculpted body...BINGO! I need to get this body in tune with this mind. I need everyone to see me as art as much as they see the art I create. By September I want to look fantastic in my tuxedo at the wedding. I want to send you a couple pics of me that make your jaw drop. Because I still love you...You the big M the only M that ever mattered. Somehow you can hold my heart in the pieces you left it and it never feels quite broken. Only damaged and ready to grow stronger.
Friday, November 26, 2010
Not so much me as it is you
So I am feeling better about myself...well I know there are improvements that need to be made however I am working on it.
Anyway...met a girl. We liked each other...things seemed to be going along well. Then...BAM she flips everything upside down and doesn't like me "in that way". She even goes to the point of inviting me to hang out and while that is going on the new guy she is dating picks her up to take her out while I am there. Because I am working on changing my Arizona mindset I did not stab a motherfucker or freak out but acted like I could care less.
Honestly it's better off this way. She is the mother of two and has a cocaine problem...I myself HAD a cocaine problem and kicked it. I do not need her in my life.
So the problem now is what kind of girl do I want in my life?
Obviously someone that appeals to me aesthetically...a sexual being for sure...I am a lover and need a lover.
I want someone that wants me...a girl that cannot get enough of me but is willing to wait until she can and not be annoying about it. I want a woman that can be my friend and companion through the thick and thin. Someone that understands that I am not perfection and understands I realize that about her as well.
I'm a dreamer...I will keep dreaming of a woman like this until I find her or die trying.
Anyway...met a girl. We liked each other...things seemed to be going along well. Then...BAM she flips everything upside down and doesn't like me "in that way". She even goes to the point of inviting me to hang out and while that is going on the new guy she is dating picks her up to take her out while I am there. Because I am working on changing my Arizona mindset I did not stab a motherfucker or freak out but acted like I could care less.
Honestly it's better off this way. She is the mother of two and has a cocaine problem...I myself HAD a cocaine problem and kicked it. I do not need her in my life.
So the problem now is what kind of girl do I want in my life?
Obviously someone that appeals to me aesthetically...a sexual being for sure...I am a lover and need a lover.
I want someone that wants me...a girl that cannot get enough of me but is willing to wait until she can and not be annoying about it. I want a woman that can be my friend and companion through the thick and thin. Someone that understands that I am not perfection and understands I realize that about her as well.
I'm a dreamer...I will keep dreaming of a woman like this until I find her or die trying.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Dear me...I fucking hate you
I moved to Portland over a year ago. I have made very little friendships since I have been here outside of my work. It is nice knowing work friends and I am thankful I have them because honestly it surprises me sometimes anyone of them even likes me and honestly I am severely skeptical that any really do. Anyway…since I have been here I have been trying to start my life over. I want to escape my past…that horrible 37 year stint of anger and hatred I call Phoenix, Az. I wanted to try and meet someone new and maybe give myself a second chance at a healthy loving relationship. However since I have been in Portland I feel like a fucking three headed alien with fangs dripping acid. I have been on date after date and so many have ended horribly. The one where we were at the movies and the girl excused herself to get popcorn and never came back. The date at the comedy club where after waiting for half an hour for my date to come back I went outside to look for her and found her on the lap of another guy making out…I of course left and decided not to make a scene. The repeated failures of asking girls out and finding out they think of me as a nice guy but no one they would date. How about the time I was at the bar and had my friend chump me out saying I never hit on girls but I go in the bar and tell a girl I like her shoes (I did they were really nice) and she tells me basically “Fuck off jerk”…to my acknowledgement later I realized it may have sounded like a “nice shoes wanna fuck?” line even though that was far from what I said or implied.
After 37 years I had a social network in Phoenix and never realized how important that can be. I left behind the biggest crushes, loves of my life, best friends, family and people that were there for me…and here I am…alone. Torturing myself over people that could care less for me, all because I had to leave behind the memories and streets of pain and regret. The girl who tore my heart from my chest while it was still beating who eventually came here and my pain from that situation not only lingers because of the fear I may run into her and have my stomach hit my mouth and then the floor…but the reminder that I have never had anyone close to me like that for over 9 years now. That every time I try I fail horribly. The fact that the only respect I get is because somehow people fear me or are intimidated by me and honestly fuck that…I hate it. I hate that something about me is scary to people because honestly it scares away women that I am interested in and crushes my heart slowly.
So yeah…I am unhappy. I am unsatisfied with my life and my world and everything about it and joining clubs to meet new people won’t help because I will still be the “scary” guy. This journey has taught me that eventually…being all alone won’t matter too much. Eventually that is right where we are when we die. Eventually even when another’s hand is in ours as we pass it is only the one passing while the other sits there. We are one separate soul…destined to be alone through death and beyond.
So next time you Wikipedia chump…there may be a picture of me there…because even after being played time and time again, I still believe people. I still try to have faith. But honestly…I am a fucking idiot and I am surprised I can breathe without thinking about it.
After 37 years I had a social network in Phoenix and never realized how important that can be. I left behind the biggest crushes, loves of my life, best friends, family and people that were there for me…and here I am…alone. Torturing myself over people that could care less for me, all because I had to leave behind the memories and streets of pain and regret. The girl who tore my heart from my chest while it was still beating who eventually came here and my pain from that situation not only lingers because of the fear I may run into her and have my stomach hit my mouth and then the floor…but the reminder that I have never had anyone close to me like that for over 9 years now. That every time I try I fail horribly. The fact that the only respect I get is because somehow people fear me or are intimidated by me and honestly fuck that…I hate it. I hate that something about me is scary to people because honestly it scares away women that I am interested in and crushes my heart slowly.
So yeah…I am unhappy. I am unsatisfied with my life and my world and everything about it and joining clubs to meet new people won’t help because I will still be the “scary” guy. This journey has taught me that eventually…being all alone won’t matter too much. Eventually that is right where we are when we die. Eventually even when another’s hand is in ours as we pass it is only the one passing while the other sits there. We are one separate soul…destined to be alone through death and beyond.
So next time you Wikipedia chump…there may be a picture of me there…because even after being played time and time again, I still believe people. I still try to have faith. But honestly…I am a fucking idiot and I am surprised I can breathe without thinking about it.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
every day
I wonder if life will just seem shitty...I wonder if leaving this job will make me any happier. I ponder on singing but who would listen? Would I freeze up and lose my voice? Will I give up and lose my everything...even my breath? I contemplate suicide occasionally. I learned years ago how to fashion slipknots very well. I know what ropes will support certain weights and how sturdy a beam should be to hang a human from it because I helped hang hook suspensions. I cross bridges and wonder if I jump will anyone stop me? See me? Even know? Because I walk through endless seas of people and smile and nod to passers by and I am invisible. I talk to girls at the bar and say things that are not inappropriate...I don't use pick up lines...and they treat me like I am an asshole that just shoved his hand up their skirt. I think sometimes I wished I liked men...gay men hit on me alot...but I tried to kiss a man once and I didn't like feeling his hard on against me. I just don't like any dick besides my own...mens bodies are not as beautiful...we don't smell as good...I just cannot do it. But I can tell if a man is pretty or not...you know?
I know I am very unhappy...I love the weather in Portland...I love the environment and the atmosphere. I love the food and the trees and foliage. I miss the women I knew in Phoenix...I miss having a network of hundreds that I could see anytime and everyone knew me. I was not invisible...I was not unwanted. I feel so very alone now...and I sometimes ache for days...sometimes I go numb...sometimes I am angry. Today I realize I have started to develop an eating disorder that I forced myself to develop...I guess it was bound to happen. I really hate myself right now and because of that I deserve everything I get. Change or die trying.
I know I am very unhappy...I love the weather in Portland...I love the environment and the atmosphere. I love the food and the trees and foliage. I miss the women I knew in Phoenix...I miss having a network of hundreds that I could see anytime and everyone knew me. I was not invisible...I was not unwanted. I feel so very alone now...and I sometimes ache for days...sometimes I go numb...sometimes I am angry. Today I realize I have started to develop an eating disorder that I forced myself to develop...I guess it was bound to happen. I really hate myself right now and because of that I deserve everything I get. Change or die trying.
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