Not so much me as it is you

So I am feeling better about myself...well I know there are improvements that need to be made however I am working on it.
Anyway...met a girl. We liked each other...things seemed to be going along well. Then...BAM she flips everything upside down and doesn't like me "in that way". She even goes to the point of inviting me to hang out and while that is going on the new guy she is dating picks her up to take her out while I am there. Because I am working on changing my Arizona mindset I did not stab a motherfucker or freak out but acted like I could care less.
Honestly it's better off this way. She is the mother of two and has a cocaine problem...I myself HAD a cocaine problem and kicked it. I do not need her in my life.
So the problem now is what kind of girl do I want in my life?
Obviously someone that appeals to me aesthetically...a sexual being for sure...I am a lover and need a lover.
I want someone that wants me...a girl that cannot get enough of me but is willing to wait until she can and not be annoying about it. I want a woman that can be my friend and companion through the thick and thin. Someone that understands that I am not perfection and understands I realize that about her as well.
I'm a dreamer...I will keep dreaming of a woman like this until I find her or die trying.

Dear me...I fucking hate you

I moved to Portland over a year ago. I have made very little friendships since I have been here outside of my work. It is nice knowing work friends and I am thankful I have them because honestly it surprises me sometimes anyone of them even likes me and honestly I am severely skeptical that any really do. Anyway…since I have been here I have been trying to start my life over. I want to escape my past…that horrible 37 year stint of anger and hatred I call Phoenix, Az. I wanted to try and meet someone new and maybe give myself a second chance at a healthy loving relationship. However since I have been in Portland I feel like a fucking three headed alien with fangs dripping acid. I have been on date after date and so many have ended horribly. The one where we were at the movies and the girl excused herself to get popcorn and never came back. The date at the comedy club where after waiting for half an hour for my date to come back I went outside to look for her and found her on the lap of another guy making out…I of course left and decided not to make a scene. The repeated failures of asking girls out and finding out they think of me as a nice guy but no one they would date. How about the time I was at the bar and had my friend chump me out saying I never hit on girls but I go in the bar and tell a girl I like her shoes (I did they were really nice) and she tells me basically “Fuck off jerk”…to my acknowledgement later I realized it may have sounded like a “nice shoes wanna fuck?” line even though that was far from what I said or implied.
After 37 years I had a social network in Phoenix and never realized how important that can be. I left behind the biggest crushes, loves of my life, best friends, family and people that were there for me…and here I am…alone. Torturing myself over people that could care less for me, all because I had to leave behind the memories and streets of pain and regret. The girl who tore my heart from my chest while it was still beating who eventually came here and my pain from that situation not only lingers because of the fear I may run into her and have my stomach hit my mouth and then the floor…but the reminder that I have never had anyone close to me like that for over 9 years now. That every time I try I fail horribly. The fact that the only respect I get is because somehow people fear me or are intimidated by me and honestly fuck that…I hate it. I hate that something about me is scary to people because honestly it scares away women that I am interested in and crushes my heart slowly.
So yeah…I am unhappy. I am unsatisfied with my life and my world and everything about it and joining clubs to meet new people won’t help because I will still be the “scary” guy. This journey has taught me that eventually…being all alone won’t matter too much. Eventually that is right where we are when we die. Eventually even when another’s hand is in ours as we pass it is only the one passing while the other sits there. We are one separate soul…destined to be alone through death and beyond.
So next time you Wikipedia chump…there may be a picture of me there…because even after being played time and time again, I still believe people. I still try to have faith. But honestly…I am a fucking idiot and I am surprised I can breathe without thinking about it.

every day

I wonder if life will just seem shitty...I wonder if leaving this job will make me any happier. I ponder on singing but who would listen? Would I freeze up and lose my voice? Will I give up and lose my everything...even my breath? I contemplate suicide occasionally. I learned years ago how to fashion slipknots very well. I know what ropes will support certain weights and how sturdy a beam should be to hang a human from it because I helped hang hook suspensions. I cross bridges and wonder if I jump will anyone stop me? See me? Even know? Because I walk through endless seas of people and smile and nod to passers by and I am invisible. I talk to girls at the bar and say things that are not inappropriate...I don't use pick up lines...and they treat me like I am an asshole that just shoved his hand up their skirt. I think sometimes I wished I liked men...gay men hit on me alot...but I tried to kiss a man once and I didn't like feeling his hard on against me. I just don't like any dick besides my own...mens bodies are not as beautiful...we don't smell as good...I just cannot do it. But I can tell if a man is pretty or not...you know?
I know I am very unhappy...I love the weather in Portland...I love the environment and the atmosphere. I love the food and the trees and foliage. I miss the women I knew in Phoenix...I miss having a network of hundreds that I could see anytime and everyone knew me. I was not invisible...I was not unwanted. I feel so very alone now...and I sometimes ache for days...sometimes I go numb...sometimes I am angry. Today I realize I have started to develop an eating disorder that I forced myself to develop...I guess it was bound to happen. I really hate myself right now and because of that I deserve everything I get. Change or die trying.

Sharing is sometimes too much

She taught me that pain could strike deeper than a superficial wound. It cuts straight into you with a katana…slices your heart open like we disassemble turkeys to give thanks…thanks that we aren’t turkeys even if we gobble gobble life up up up and dream higher than clouds but eventually as we float up released by a child our balloon is hit by arrows…not by cupid but from a stupid thought that somehow I connected to your heart and your being

I was the thoughts in your head when it hit the pillow on your bed and every tear that leaked out was a thought of me not being there…this is what I pretend
This is what my world looked like through my eyes however the lids were closed and I was blind to the rain from your eyes it was thoughts of a man, a cruel being that came to you and in you and on you and he slept, as you wept and he didn’t feel a thing, but those moments when yes yes yes you were his but that was all it seemed to mean

A physical touch and a longing for a heart that he could not find with his dick or fingertips or the passion of a kiss…he betrayed you and didn’t even have the courtesy to pretend he did not. That man was selfish and took everything he could in your pictures, from your body, from the child that laughed in your eyes and his power grew like a blood crazed piranha whipping in a frenzy from the physical lust that he used to betray your soul…he’s not the guy you saw yourself with…this person this “man” is a child that never learned to love and did not get enough hugs …a selfish coward that hides in touch as a way to escape opening up…but what if he did?

Did you want to see him take a knife and commit Seppuku and spill out his insides on the floor…watch the bugs crawl out of his filth. The withered remains of his past, like snakes crawling up into you and infecting you, possessing you, smothering and constricting your very last breath. It was the death of his family and the decay of abuse that riddled his brains turning them from flying kites into fucking for nights and turning the teddy bears into human fuck sticks that grind and moan while no one is home. Those twisted yesterdays of choking it down because the hands around his throat were never his own, but the hands of love of paternal care and every breath that could not pass was a tear he never cried.

When his head hit the bed and a pillow that caressed it in a way that you could not because the comfort you gave was not between your legs or on the tips of your nipples...it came from your smile that melted away the sorrows for another day, from the look in your eyes that meant everything was okay.

It was the love he never knew that cut him open like a katana with a thanks and a turkey …you gobbled him up up up and never turned around to realize he was not just some heartless man that used your legs for handles and your sweetness as a target for a jackhammer. He loved you and his tears are not from the past…they came when you walked away. The pain is still inside, it was the one thing you left behind.

Great

Today through my own stupidity I found my ex on Yelp...and found out her ex from Phx moved here too...my guess being no longer an ex from Phx. Slowly my paradise away from my evil fucking past is being ruined by people moving here that I was trying to escape. I am almost ready to say fuck all of this and running away to another place and telling no one. I do not want the past to keep appearing. Especially the parts that broke my heart and stomped all over it repeatedly.

Yep

I feel foul lately...like somehow...this is not what I wanted. A crossroads lies ahead...what next? What next?

still

still going on with the nightly purging...no bad side effects yet. Went down a notch on my belt. Soon I get my kettlebell for working out. I need more exercise than just the weekend hiking. I need to end this life I am leading and be healthy and lean again...maybe then someone will date me.

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Wah

So what is up? These baby ass whiners working for me lately makes me want to find a new job. Wah I worked hard for the last 2 years...Fuck you I have worked hard to get this company here for the last 7 you little bitches! I started at minimum fucking wage...$5.75 an hour back then. I did your job for 2 years before I moved to manager. Just because I am a manager does not make my life simple you little cry baby immature little boys and girls....I work my ass off. Trying to make sure all that product you make gets sold so we all do not have to starve and work at jobs we hate. I am constantly talking with companies and coming up with plans for money to come in while you fucks whine about what you do and don't get from the company. Fuck it took me four years to make what you fuckers are making in two there. Assholes! I am writing a new resume...if I don't quit hating you pricks before March of next year I will look for a new job. Assholes!

Black

Such a good song from Pearl Jam...I still ache when I listen to it.
So my three day weekend...thus far Saturday was sleep until you cannot sleep any longer day. I was awake 3 hours, went back to bed and just now got up again. I think if I were not invited to a friends b-day party I would be back in bed. I'm still bitter to attend though as to every "friend" at this party never even said Happy Birthday to me on Wednesday...I suppose I should be happy they consider me at all. I have a collective of maybe 4 people that hang out with me now. Work people seem to fucking hate me now...guess that is what happens when you are the boss. So 7 years of friendships seem lost...fucking great. I hate money. I am slowly growing rotten to the ideal of being at my job and opt for easier times when I worked less and bitched about money while in the presence of many friends often.

Funny

It's great to know every one of your friends whom you have known for years forgets your birthday without a social network reminding them it's your fucking birthday. Real fucking classy guys. Even with the "reminder" I may have to forget too. Because really what the fuck is that about? Assholes.

Worst yet

So I spent my birthday at work...I had 4 happy birthdays from like a group of 14 people...lame. Then I worked so late that I missed calls from my sister and mother wishing me a Happy bday...no presents...no cake...nothing. I now get to go to bed early and get up at the ass crack of dawn for a hearing against a loser that lost his job because he deserved to...and he's fighting for unemployment...lame. Dear 38...you suck.

Side effects

So I've been feeling a bit faint today...guess it's what happens with food deprivation. I'm having a smoothie for dinner...easy ejection I hope. My throat hurts from the strain. I'm adding water to the equation I imagine it should help. I wish people couldn't hear through the bathroom walls...I feel like I eat too much at lunch too.

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the sickness...it's in my head

Well it's been 2 weeks now...still purging. I guess I have a problem but it seems like I am finally losing some weight. I am buying a kettlebell weight set and some tapes soon. I hate seeing myself like this. I am serious and ready to change. I might stop buying groceries. I do not trust myself alone with food. If I don't eat at night I won't need to vomit. I cannot believe I am a 38 year old man...I sound like a teen-aged girl...well maybe not but I just don't fit my image. If people even knew what was going on in my head. Look like a thug...wish I were Dave Gahan...well except for the gay part...I love women far too much.

Bulimia

Do you think men can suffer from eating disorders? I may be starting to but I don't care. I am tired of being unacceptable and unwanted. So breakfast and lunch gets to stay...anything afterwards goes. I will not be okay with being big. I feel like I am just a small skip from obese and it scares me. I am going to start to work out too. I just don't think dinner is healthy for me anymore. If I have one it doesn't stay...period.

How soon we forget...

I almost forgot I had this blog. I find myself venting when I write though and where is the fun in that? Then again it is much better than being the angry immature boy I was.
I see lately that I find the precepts and ideas of Buddhism are fitting into my life. I think I need to commit myself to more than just myself. I feel so selfish and because of that as if I am hurting the world more than assisting it.
I have so much already...I have a roof over my head. I have a good job...I obviously do not starve. Running water, electricity, computers and entertainment. I have an over abundance of things. Yet I am alone. I have "friends" but nothing resembling a close friendship. There is very little affection in my life. However I think what I desire is treating the world as if it were my child and my responsibility.
I may never have children...I am a slightly overweight and fairly plain and boring 38 year old man. I have not had a serious relationship last more than 2 years. Chances are I will not have children.
So I want to give my love and nurturing to someone...even if it may be the love of charity and compassion. There is so much pain and suffering in the world...I think I need to help somehow. I get sad and a bit overwhelmed when I think of everything I see in the world.
The oil spill is horrible and will cause so much death to animal life as well as suffering to those that make their living from the ocean.
I feel selfish for doing little.
The homeless population as well as the unemployed here in Portland is more than I would have known while I was in Phoenix. I see so many hungry, lost and sad souls here. I know many are junkies as well...but no one is perfect. We all have our crutches...I just choose those that do not hinder my mental state.
I will continue searching for my place to help...I will find it.
Sometimes I think maybe I should give up on relationships and romance and dedicate myself to spiritual study and practice. I may enjoy that life more and suffer less.

Her...the time has come to say good bye

So...first off I must admit, I have completely let go of the girl I was angry with and in "love" with. I have found her to be an image and that only. She was pretty to look at, however what lurks within her is so shallow and I wish that someday she will become filled with real life and not this consumer snob zombie she has become. I wish her well, but she is no longer in my life and I do hope it stays that way.

Anger is unbecoming

Damn...how often can I lie to myself and say I am over someone when I am not. I know I need to concentrate my alone time on exercise and art. It is the only way to fill the void she left. I must create and I must rebuild. It is the only distractions that work.

I am thinking of delving in music again. I have been inspired by all the metal I have listened to lately. I miss being on stage and roaring like a Viking over the hordes awaiting slaughter. I miss being the demon above the writhing souls. I was never just a performer...I was something more than that. When the lights turned off and the music began I could feel power flowing through my veins like I have never known. I want that back...perhaps I can make this happen. It's a strange time to do it being so close to 40...but then when will I do it if not now? It was the most peaceful I have ever been. All my anger was unleashed in the music. I want that back.

Always a let down

You...I left you in Phoenix. I thought somehow my heart ache would end there since you were pretty much living like a married couple with Nate. But it did not end there did it? Do you enjoy hurting me? Did you have to move to Oregon to hurt me more? Apparently you just could not let me live in happiness could you? So you came here and now you don't hang out with me. But I was good enough to use for a place to crash until you got your new job and relocated? Obviously you used me...because I have not seen you once since you have been here. You have not called or even wrote a simple hello. Fuck a little consideration would be nice but you cannot even pay me that.
You come to Portland and basically made me feel bad about what I own and how I live. Now you live here and you cannot even be my friend? Fuck you...seriously fuck you for making me feel so bad about myself. Fuck you for ruining my new life in a place where I knew no one. Fuck you for hurting me and letting this continue for over 8 years now. I wanted my freedom and now I know you could be looming around the corner and I will run into you and feel my fucking heart break into a thousand pieces over and over again.
I hope the roses I sent bother your allergies or maybe one pricked you and you get an infection from it.
I wanted to be free...I wanted the safety of over a thousand miles. Now it has been robbed from me.

I may have to find a new job somewhere over seas and never tell you I left. That might be my only solution.

Saving = no fun for me

I need to save for the new loft apartment downtown...but damn I am bored and having crazy bouts of insomnia. No fun...that and the thoughts of women in my head. Oh I miss a warm body so very much. But it must be a warm pretty body...I will never sell out my standards.

Pissed off at a crappy web company

What really is upsetting is when companies make defamatory comments about a business because of their own business practices. If you are running a web based business why would you offer items that you do not already have in stock? This seems like a great way to upset customers if you cannot get the items from the supplier in a timely manner. What seems best is what most successful web stores do, offer products that are in stock. Then you are not working with a credit based system or the "I promise that I will have something eventually that may or may not exist but I will take your money and use it in the mean time" system. But apparently it is much easier for a company to place blame on another if they fail to meet unexpected needs. I am surprised at times that any company would continue supplying another company when they do make defamatory statements.

Some days...

Some days I hate coming in to work. It feels like some times no one really even cares if we go under. I suppose I say this because I am the only manager that stays here for close to 12 hours a day. I am the only one that contacts our major distributor and lets them know what is going on. I am no martyr though and cannot continue pretending to be so. I am just upset that no one else is stepping up and doing what they should sometimes. I guess we are all pretty self involved sometimes and concerned mainly with our own lives. This is a major factor in our own lives though. If this company fails many of us cannot work by the appearance standards of normal society, not only that but we live in a city where jobs are a rarity.
I hope something changes soon because I get a little scared when I think this all could fail. But then I remember...maybe I am only scared of losing some material possessions and relocating again. Well if I do, life goes on. We cannot always be comfortable in life. A friend said this the other day and I laugh and agree a little. "Sometimes life leaves a surprise $100 bill laying on your dresser, but eventually you realize life left it there because it fucked you" It's funny, yet not.

Whine whine...bitch bitch

So as of late it has been essentially hard for me to be around couples. It seems every couple I know has problems but they bitch about couple problems to me or I am around it. I have no idea what to tell them. But they constantly seem to know what to tell me. About how lucky I am to be single and I should take advantage of it more. Really? I did that when I was younger but not now. Now I feel like I really want one person to settle down with and maybe even consider children. Yep I said that…because honestly I tell people I do not want kids or to be married because I am trying to hide how badly I really do. I am getting older and I am aching to find someone to love and grow old with. I cannot wait to have someone in my life that is willing to be around for me and I can be around for them. I cannot be around couples very long right now though. Last night I came home and my married roommates were being cute together and I had to practically run into my room because I was about to burst into tears (which is exactly what I did until I regained my composure) I know most people I know would either call me a fag or say I am emo for such a thing but why? I mean honestly I feel, I am human…eventually issues in my life cause me to break down on occasion. But then having couples around or even single women that date so often they never seem single, giving me advice…well it really sucks. Seriously, we do not relate on that level. You can go home to your significant other or to a guy that likes you and get affection whenever you like. You have someone complimenting you or calling you because they care about you. Chances are you do not go months without intercourse, months without an intimate moment, months without a kiss unless you choose to do so or you are still a virgin and have decided you want to be that way for some time. If I even want a hug I get one by the occasional “friend” hug, but I have not had a good hug in some time. The closest I have been to a moment of intimacy was a girl accidentally placing her backside up against my arm while we were trying to sleep. Otherwise I hug my pillow every night to go to sleep. I find affection by giving our cat a hug and a snuggle every now and then. The only person to touch me in any matter is me. When I try to date what normally happens is excuses of “I’m not ready to have a man in my life right now” or “I would prefer we just stay friends”. I go to movies alone almost 3 times a week. I eat dinner alone almost daily. I shop alone and go to art museums alone. I even went to a few bars and shows alone. It’s not much fun. I have also been told my standards are too high. What? Fuck that…my standards are exactly the same as they have always been and I am not changing them for anyone but myself. I will not just date someone for the sake of having someone. I need to have an attraction to them. I need to feel an interest in them as a person. I require passion and intimacy to even want to be with a girl. I would rather be alone than to fool someone into believing I am genuine and interested when I am not.
People wonder why I feel like a monster? No one wants me for anything more than a person to keep around because I can be pleasant and good company, but hell no would I give that beast affection. There’s another one for the couples or single women…”But you are an attractive guy, plenty of girls would date you” Oh really? Is that why my phone only rings when it is my Mother or why most of my email is generally spam? I try smiling, flirting and having a good attitude around people. I don’t know what to do or say anymore…some days I really wish I could turn off the world or have a pause button for life. I want to tell my friends that I am happy because usually I am. It’s just as of late I realized…I like having someone to share life with. I enjoy life so much more when someone I love and care about is there with me sharing those moments. Without someone like that I feel like a robot going through the programmed motions of the day and then shutting down for the night time.
I know maybe it seems a bit like self pity and truly it is. However I just need to write these things down every now and then otherwise they build up inside and I start giving up on everything.

5pm and recovering (unedited)

Today has been something on the boring side. However I am enjoying it nonetheless and am inside taking care of myself and fighting off what seems to be a cold, but is actually the result of too much speed in my nose. Somehow on Friday night I decided to knock upon the door of an old problem of mine and then spent hours trying to snort every bit of it away. Eventually I saw myself standing in that room looking like a junkie all shaky and shit and looking like a fool to my friends. It took me forever to come down but when I did I decided there is a point where some things just cannot be a part of my life. I have ended this relationship with coke for the last time. I never want to feel like that again. Now for two days I am dealing with congestion and feeling like hell. I really don't know what I was thinking but I am glad I wont be doing it any more. I have too much ahead of me to lose it to that shit.
I was web surfing and also drawing today. The drawing thus far is a Dia De Los Muertos Mary and has been an on and off thing for a bit.
I decided to be more on with it now though. I want to complete it and show it off. I like it a lot and believe when it is done it will be quite a piece.
The web surfing was mindless to a point. I found a few web blogs of mine and read them for a bit. Memories digital style. I need something to store those memories now because I have changed a lot and will do so more over the next few years I believe.
I found some other web blogs I used to read as well. One belonged to a girl I once pined over and did so for years, since 2003 I would believe, or at least that was when everything was stronger. It has been 7 long years of heartache and work since then. Rebuilding myself, rebuilding and healing my heart. I must admit I will never be the person I was in 03' he is barely someone I remember now. I admit, she is someone I barely remember now as well. Seven years can change so many things about a person. I went from being a well paid banker, to a minimum wage production worker, to an office worker/manager and have moved from Phoenix, Az to Portland, Or. Whereas she accomplished much more, being a telephone worker making very little, to a full time student and is now well paid and working in a medical field and will continue to be a student and work towards even better things. I am more sure now that she will never be a part of my life in that way again...I think she made it obvious and if she did want me in that way she would sincerely need to tell me otherwise I would never know.
I remember more but I cannot share it...my heartache has become tiring to many including myself.
We are much different people now and truly those aches and pains are yesterdays nostalgia.

I am thinking I need more art in my world. I believe I will work more on creation and less on my demise. My heart has always been the death of me and I do not wish it to catch up once more at this time.

Amazing enough...I find myself less interested in dating. I feel an incessant need to be close to a woman, yet I feel no need to continue playing the games of a fool to procure one.

it's a new dawn, it's a new day...it's a new life for me

The last few days

Were odd...the girl from the past was here. She stayed in my apartment and unfortunately she stayed in my apartment. I have second hand everything for furniture and it just seems crappy. My bed is a hide a bed couch and it is uncomfortable. I felt so embarrassed having her here.
So I know now she is not the least bit interested in me. However it still makes me wonder why here? Why move here where I live if there is nothing between us? We aren't the same kind of people and unfortunately I know now...it would never work between us. I think she is absolutely attractive...but something is missing now. She is not the kind of person I can see myself growing old with. I have officially fallen out of love with her.
I suppose I now have the closure I needed. But she had a job interview up here that went well. Although it was not in Portland it was in Hood River. But what if she is here all the time? Will I feel completely uncomfortable around her still? Will I feel a longing to know her physically again but feel so distant and separate from her inside as I do now?
I hope we can remain friends...but as of now I feel hesitant. I feel like maybe in her eyes I am poor dumb white trash and I would never be good enough. But really as I read what I am writing...does it matter? Does it matter if she thinks I am lame? It used to...but now...now I feel as if a weight has been lifted from my life and a spell has been broken. I feel as if I can move on now. Somehow though...deep within...I still am getting what ifs. It may be because I loved her for so long unrequited. It may be because it is just something I was so used to doing that breaking the pattern is difficult.
I miss the girl I once knew...because somewhere inside I will always love that person. The one I know now...I do not know at all.
It scares me though...am I capable of loving again? I have no answer...because I am very confused about the subject.

Sometimes the best & most erotic moments are those when only minds touch. Where words are the hands, the mouth, the genitals exciting another to orgasm.

Curses, Crosses and Kisses : aka my New Year 2010

The first day of 2010 and I find myself walking alone in the rain. I didn’t expect this, but I found myself in a situation and I needed out of it. The person I went with seemed to be enjoying the company of a male at the club and to not cock block I left. I must admit I was pissy, but it was mostly from the jealousy that I myself would not be having any make out action tonight or anything else. I did have the cute bartender from the club I started my night at kiss me…and for some reason I kept forgetting this fact. So I walked in the rain for a while until I decided to call my friend and make sure she would be all right before I called a cab home. She was fine and I decided I would head up Burnside and start the trek home.

I kept trying to reach cab companies and the lines were basically dead, most likely too many callers at once. Another cab company had an answering machine on for the following day’s pickups. Obviously that was not when I wanted to come home so I caught my breath and decided I would do the thing I did not want to do. Walk all five miles home uphill.

The beginning of our hill is pretty cool. It has a nice little park and across the way there is a small strip mall. They have recently installed drinking fountains in the park also, but I decided since they were so new and I didn’t have all too much alcohol, that I should be okay without a drink from them.

The walkway up the hill starts off with about 200 feet of sidewalk…and that is where it stops for the next 2 miles. So I sloshed through mud and rocks and kept going uphill. I was very impressed with my Merrell Thermo 6 boots as to they are truly waterproof and did their job of keeping my feet warm in this shitty situation. Eventually I made it to the next area of sidewalk and kept pressing on. It is amazing how much one can appreciate sidewalk when one is in such a situation as this. However after another 100 feet the sidewalk stopped yet again leading into rocks, mud, and general slush and muck.

Yet somehow I kept going for another mile or so. It was during this time that I started thinking about a ride. I am drenched in water even though my feet are dry. For some reason I did not think my Goretex waterproof jacket was fashionable enough to wear out and wore my Dickies jacket which is not so waterproof at all. Good choice tough guy…and we can see how much this jacket impressed the ladies tonight, can’t we?

It was now that I noticed how many cabs were passing me and how even if I waved at them they just kept going as if I was not there. I truly felt invisible. Then my brain started in. “No one cares about you, that’s why you are here” “If anyone loved you, you would not be alone and drenched in the rain” “You are just a sad little man with nothing, it is no wonder you are in this situation” I just started attacking myself over and over. Wave upon wave of self depreciation and loneliness washed over me. “Good job fat boy, yet again you can’t get the girl” “You’re so miserable you should just jump this cliff and fall to die in the trench below” …I started falling for it at first. I started listening and believing the madness my own brain was screaming at me. There in the middle of the pouring rain, in the darkness of Burnside road miles away from Downtown Portland…I was alone…and I cried for the first time in years. It only lasted for a few moments before I caught myself and regained my composure. It just was too much all of the sudden…everything that was going on I had control over and I was losing control.

I tried to wave down a couple more cabs and then just gave up. I started trudging farther up hill and with a vengeance. I am now a few miles into it and I know I have more to go. My legs hurt…they are burning. My chest is burning and still hurts from the remnants of the chest cold I had days before. My nose is still congested and feels like it is filled with cotton. The heels of my feet feel bruised from hiking through the snow and ice for two miles just a day or so before this. Somehow I convince myself that all of this pain must be good for me. It is now that a bit more sidewalk appears. I see the tunnel ahead and in my mind this is like a halfway point because I know that the cemetery is just a bit ahead as well. This makes me a lot happier because near the cemetery the hill starts to go flat and even. I will not have to continue this repugnant trek uphill for much longer.

My nostrils are filled with a horrid odor…I look down and see a raccoon splayed in the mud in front of me almost as if it were a tiny rotten bear skin rug in the mud. I think to myself “That is what giving up looks like…that is what your cowardice smells like” I walk around it and I push onward. My thighs are truly on fire at this point and steam is rising from my body when I get under a street lamp.

After another ten minutes of this has passed I walk over a part of the hill and see the street seem to go level. I look to my left and see fog and a large cross of Kells and the side of a small hill. I have reached the cemetery. I remember thinking of the Old gods at this moment and thanking them for such a view. This was the most pleasant part of my journey. Somehow I am filled with beautiful memories and vintage black slips run through my head while porcelain ghosts grace the hillside dancing through my mind. I feel a comfort in my mind because of the love that fills these places. The dead live here and they will not bother me. I keep walking but every step brings a beautiful thought to mind…I feel serene and almost sedated. This is a peace I long for and for these next few moments I have it. Not a car seems to pass and because there is no sidewalk here either I am walking on what I believe is now Barnes road as to it changes at some point and is no longer Burnside. For a few more moments in the fog and mist I remember a girl worth remembering and then the dream fades with each step.
Eventually I start seeing houses and this leads me towards a small strip mall and a QFC with a Starbucks and a Blockbuster Video attached. I am only about 10 minutes away from home now and I cannot wait to get inside and take a hot shower. I was beyond the aches and pains at this point but I was very tired and quite ready for sleep.

I realized at this moment I wanted to remind myself how it was that I did this to myself. I took out my cell phone and pressed the video camera function. I recorded myself for a few more minutes on the way to my apartments. I told myself not to be such a fool in the future. This was a good lesson and a hard way to learn it but then it was a lesson I needed to be reminded of. I had thought years before that this lesson was something I learned and obviously I was wrong. I cannot keep presenting myself as a fool for others to enjoy but instead I must be the strong willed man who can pull himself through miles of pain to reach his goals.

So right before I went to bed and right after I had showered I remembered the pretty bartender kissing me…and I carried the smile it gave me right into my dreams. Not the best adventure but the one I had to share for the moment…thanks for reading and good night.